An Open Book

Parenthood

2012-01-20T10:50:00.001-08:00

Lately, I've been finding myself getting in to some deep discussions of parenthood. As my kids get older and change, I am learning that my outlook on parenthood should change as well. Every kid is different and every parent, so no one can or will ever parent the same way.

My oldest child is a pretty amazing child. He has a lot of great qualities that I am thankful for in him. He is smart and friendly. He can be outgoing and reserved. He loves having friends and being busy. He is handsome and athletic. He is kind and thoughtful.
-- But with these great qualities he has, he is also stubborn and quick to react. He is sneaky and tricky. He is selfish and cocky.

Trying to figure out how to rein in his 'crazy' while teaching him to be a great man is tough. For one reason...he is constantly changing. He is growing and maturing. He is learning the lessons that I'm teaching. He is growing up.

There is also a struggle with raising a son as a single mom. Let's face it, his dad doesn't play a role in his life. I am not super sad that his dad isn't around. I don't think that he would actually teach many life lessons. Good life lessons, anyway. But that leaves the teachings of how to treat a woman to me; How to be brave and strong; How to suck it up and survive.

WAIT A SECOND HERE..... maybe I can teach those things. I have done them all!!!

I want my son to grow up and know that a woman doesn't need a man to take of her. But that he should.
I want him to know that a woman doesn't need a man to provide for her.
But he should.
I want him to know how to love fully, share his feelings, be strong, kind, thoughtful, generous, confident, outgoing and reserved, athletic and articulate.

I have faith that the lessons I am trying to teach my son will sink in. I know that he will grow up thoughtful, kind and compassionate because of his little brother. I know that he will grow up strong and brave because he doesn't have his dad around. I know that he will grow to respect women because his mom used to live without it.

<3

motherhood

2012-01-10T17:03:00.001-08:00

I had both sides of the spectrum of motherhood today. I had to punish and ground my 6 year old, and I held a sleepy giggling little 3 year old while he fell asleep. I could not ask for a better job in the world. It takes every ounce of energy and love I have, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I struggle a lot with motherhood though. For instance, last week I came down with a bad cold and felt horrible. I got a call that Lucas' MRI was scheduled for the next morning at 8am...in Rochester. That's a 3 hours drive from home. So I got up and started getting stuff done. Laundry, packing, getting myself together. I was stressed and feeling horrible and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed. But I got in the car and drove to my brothers. In the midst of it, I got frustrated. Bothered. Just plain mad. How can their father just sit in a different state and not do crap? How is that fair? How come I have to deal with all of it alone? He gets one week at Christmas playing around and goofing off and looking like the hero and mom has to punish, force homework, do baths, and daily routines. This is NOT what I signed up for when I got married and decided to have kids.
Now don't get me wrong here. I do NOT want to be with my ex. And I would NEVER go back to what we had. I would take that horrible day from last week, over and over again like Groundhog's day, if I had to pick a life. But still, I struggle with the fact that this is what our life has turned in to.

But I have come to 2 conclusions....

#1. I am beyond lucky to have my parents. For a bagillion reasons.

#2. I am stronger than I even know. I doubt it most of the time, but I am often reminded by people in my life. For some reason, everyone else can see it, except me.

So today I thoroughly enjoyed the giggling little sleepy boy, who later threw a fit on the floor, grunting and hitting his head for 5 minutes; and the misbehaving 6 year old, who wrote letters of apology and went to be like an angel.

No matter what happens in my daily life with these two imperfect-perfect boys of mine, the sickness we all get, the frustrations we all get, the struggles we face each day together: life isn't fair.
But what it is, is the way it should be. I know that we are in the right place at the right time. I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. And that I have enough love to cover both of my boys until the day that I die. <3

Its about time....

2011-12-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

So, I am single. Yay.
(Please read that with heavy sarcasm.)

I am sick of being single. I guess I don't really know how to do it. I was with my ex-husband since I was at the young, stupid age of 18. We split when I was 30. Yeah, thats a long feakin time. I wasn't single very long before I started dating Brian. And even though we aren't together anymore, we had a pretty fantastic relationship. He fulfilled so much that I needed in my life at that time. He was supportive and he listened and made me smile everyday. He showed me attention and affection that I had never know while I was married. I know that Brian and I weren't meant to be together, but I am still thankful for him in my life when he was.

But now, here I sit.... alone. I try to figure out why I want a relationship so much. I am surrounded, ALL THE TIME, by people. I have two fabulous kids who I love more than anything. I take care of them, provide, love and encourage. I have two parents in my life everyday, who are my best friends. I share my daily life with them and they with me. They encourage me and love me and support me. They listen and comfort me.

So why do I feel the need for a man?

I have typed and erased quite a bit after asking myself that question. Nothing seemed to fit, but this:

I have love in my heart to give to a man. I lead an amazing and rewarding, but extremely challenging life, that I know only a special man can handle. I want so badly to find him, and give my love to him.

I've been lucky enough to have been through a bad realtionship and a good one (did I just actually say that?), to know what I want AND what I need. Sometimes, those lines get a little foggy, but I still have the list. I wonder if that man is out there? Seriously. Is that even realistic?

So here is the problem. I am extremely impatient. Bad.
Everyone tells me that I can't go searching for love and relationships. But why can't I? I know what I want. I have the list, remember?
Sitting around and waiting for some random man to knock on my door, or grab the same bunch of banana's at the grocery store, or sit next to me on the bus....NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. There are many reasons- people don't go knocking on doors anymore. There are usually like 50 bunches of bananas at the grocery store. The odds of that are ridiculous. And me, ride a bus in Watertown? Ain't gonna happen.

So anyway, this is my blog entry for today.
I want a man. I want to be in love. I want to find the one that will love me and my crazy, insane personality. Someone who wants me to bake them everything, who'll go run with me, hold my hand in the car, notice the little details, sing to me at inappropriate times, make mature decisions with me, make me smile and laugh everyday, no matter what. Someone who will let me be a picky eater, but make me try new things. I want a man who will melt my heart. Someone who will love my boys and understand their unique individual qualities, basically want the mess that is my life.

Is that too much to ask?!

Scatter-Brained

2011-11-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to write a blog lately, but I swear if I did, it would be some crazy concoction of my jumbled thoughts. Um, this should be interesting.

Let me start with a little update in case anyone actually doesn't know what is happening in our lives.

Joshua is doing great. We got off to a rather rocky beginning, but 'nazi-mom' took over and things are actually running pretty smoothly around here and at school. He is seriously becoming the best big brother to L that I could have ever asked for. He is helpful to me with everything and he starting to really turn into a little gentleman... well, one that thinks burps and armpit farts are hilarious and awesome!

Lucas is doing OK. He has been sick for the last 2 weeks or so. He missed school for about 6 days, but he is finally feeling better and is back at school. I stopped in to see him yesterday, his first day back, and he was all smiles. He was having a little dance party with Kelli and she said he was all giggles during therapy that morning. As usual, he is a little cuddle bug, but he is also becoming a little stinker. He has started hitting with excitement and with frustration- which is quite often with a 3 year old unable to communicate. So if you come near L, watch out!

Things with me are.....going. School is on the downward slope and we only have a few weeks left. A stressful few weeks for sure! But I can handle anything, right? Right.

I am not, let me repeat NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. My kids are going to WA without me for an entire week and I am beyond dreading it. I am contemplating drinking the whole week, just to cope. You'd think that I might be excited about a week off with no work, school or kids. But I am NOT. It was miserable being a mile down the road while they were in WA this summer. How the hell am I going to handle being 3000 miles away?? Ahhhh.... I'm freaking out.

ANYWAY, maybe this lame post will get me back into the swing of things with posting again. I really want to write about love and loneliness and waiting, but this isn't the time or the blog. ;-)

First Days of School 2011

2011-09-08T19:26:00.001-07:00

Well, this week marks a brand new adventure for all 3 of us. My days of being a stay at home mom are long behind me. Both my kids are in school and they are no longer my little babies.

Joshua entered first grade! I can't believe my little 5 year old is in first grade!! Time has flown by. We've gotten off to a rocky start this week with switching to a new classroom, new teacher and new friends. But we are hoping that rest and a relaxing weekend will bring a new and great week of school.

Lucas has had his little world turned upside down this week. Our little daily routines at home are gone and replaced with new, earlier, faster ones! He started special education preschool at a local facility. And let me just say, it is awesome! His classroom has a preschool teacher, a special education preschool teacher and is filled with aides. Lucas has a one-to-one aide that is with him all day helping him with his daily tasks. We met her yesterday for the first day, while mommy hung out at preschool too. Her name is Kelli and she is great. I just know that he will be in good hands, getting enough love and hard work to keep him comfortable. While he is in school during the week, Lucas will receive speech therapy daily with the head of the speech department. He will also be receiving PT and OT 4 times a week with the same therapists that we have had since last year. I am beyond excited to watch Lucas learn and grown. Just in the last month or so, he has made leaps and bounds with words and communication. His comprehension has grown and he is even signing about 5 words and picking them up fast! The preschool has an open door policy, which I love. I can pop in whenever I want. I can participate with therapies, or lunch or just hang out. It is so exciting.

My classes are going well too. I am just taking 2 classes and I am not working. They way that my classes and Lab fell, working while the kids were in school wasn't going to happen. So the next few months will be tight, but being home with them at night is worth it! I am taking microbiology this semester and it is going to be tough. But so far, it is pretty neat. The Lab has turned out pretty cool though. We are growing some pretty cool bacteria! Haha.

Our weather has already turned as well. I can't believe how fast it changed. Fall is here and soon...winter. I am NOT ready for it. But at least we can look forward to spring, right?

Poem #2

2011-08-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

I can count thousands of lies that came from your mouth.

I’ll be up by noon. I’ll take out the trash. I’ll vacuum the floors.

Simple lies, they were.

I’ll never cheat on you again I’ll never get drunk again I’ll never ‘almost’ kill you;

again.

They flowed from your mouth like honey.

Every one of them, believable.

I stayed too many years.

I believed too many times.

I told myself too many lies.

He’ll be up by noon he’ll take out the trash he’ll vacuum the floors.

He’ll never cheat on me again. He’ll never get drunk like that again. He’ll never ‘almost’ kill me;

again.

I hate that I loved you.

I hate that I wasted my life with you.

I hate that you are filled with garbage.

I hope you never change.

I hope you always speak lies.

I hope you never have another someone believe the never-ending, backwards, bull shit that comes from your mouth.

For you are undeserving.

you' are worthless.

you' are LIES.

What hurts the most.....

2011-08-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this blog entry with a few things. I do not miss my ex-husband. There isn't a thing that comes to mind that I miss about him. And if there were, I would share them.... probably. I am happy with the way my life and my children's lives are going. But, I do miss certain things; like having my own home and a family with in laws and cousins. Which brings me to my entry today. For some time I have been wanting to write my true feelings, but have been hesitant because I really don't want to upset anyone. But at this point in my life, why should I hide my feelings...?

Looking back at what took place in marriage should not surprise any one. If you knew us, you knew that there wasn't much optimism in our marriage and there wasn't much shock as to how it ended. I was NOT surprised about what my husband did to me. And I am pretty sure we all knew it would end this way.
What I am surprised by, and most hurt by, is the way the family has treated me. I honestly thought by now that I would have 'gotten over' this entire thing. But sadly, I am human, and I hurt just like the rest of 'em.
My mother in law and I became good friends when I first moved to WA in 2005. She was the only friend I had and our friendship blossomed over the 5 years that I was there. I considered her one of my best friends and I knew how lucky I was to have her as my mother in law. She was amazing to me and my children over the years. I knew that from the bottom of her heart she loved me and that she would never desert me. In the beginning of 2010, I was struggling with my marriage and doubting if I still loved my husband. She encouraged me to really figure it out and if that if I didn't love him, I should leave. When we did separate, her and my father in law both told me to my face that no matter what happened, 'I would always be their daughter and that they would always love me'.

When I left WA for NY for the summer to figure my life out, I came back to a different family. The family that I was once a part of, was gone. Something happened to them while I was away, something that I will never understand. I came in to a cold, stiff home; to a family that I didn't belong to anymore. Over the course of the next 3 months, I was pushed away and treated so poorly, that I never doubted my decision to stay in WA with my children. I know that if I had been treated as a real daughter, moving across the country would have been completely different and our lives today would be much easier.

I look back on the years that I spent in that family, and I am heart broken. I longed for a close knit family with aunts and uncles and cousins that were connected. A family where we celebrated birthdays and holidays together; where we had game nights and dinners out. When I met this family I made them my own. I loved each one of them and tried my best to bring the family together. I loved every game night and holiday; Christmas', Thanksgivings and Easters. I poured my heart and soul into that family. I even had a favorite cookie list for each and everyone of them so that I could always know what they loved the most. So when it came time for me to leave, I couldn't believe the coldness that I felt.

I wrote this blog entry on Sunday night and saved it for a few days. I've actually written a similar note quite a few times and just never thought it was the right timing. But I received a hateful email from my once beloved mother in law this morning and I know now that it doesn't matter what I say or do. They are oblivious to what really happened and oblivious to what love really means.

I write this blog for myself. Writing helps me communicate. It helps me heal. It helps me live. I am sorry if someone reads my blog and gets offended or angry. It is your choice to read or not to read. I write HONEST feelings and I write what needs to be said.

Summer Fun!

2011-08-06T18:45:00.000-07:00

Well, summer is here. Its actually almost over! Which makes me quite sad. But I am excited for the new school year all the same!

We've had a pretty exciting summer so far. The boys and I flew to Washington for 2 weeks so that they could visit with their dad. In the beginning, 2 weeks of a mommy vacation sounded terrific. But as the time came closer, I was dreading it. It was not a carefree 2 weeks that I had anticipated. I was an emotional wreck! I knew that the kids were being taken care of just fine. It was just that I wasn't with them. I didn't know what their daily lives held. It was awful! Completely.
I haven't cried much at all since moving away from Washington. I think maybe once when I really missed my friends. But other than that, there haven't been many tears. But the day that I found out my kids went to my old house where there dad lives with his girlfriend, I sobbed. I hate the fact that he took them there. This was the house we lived in as a family and had our lives together. And now he lives there with his new family. He has changed their rooms and all their stuff. It broke my heart. I know that Joshua doesn't probably think much of it now. But I can only imagine what it might do to him down the road. I struggle with him feeling 'replaced' by this new family. I know that I have been replaced, and quite easily by the looks of things. But seeing my kids replaced is just heart breaking.

Once we got back from WA, we packed up for a road trip to West Virginia! My mothers family was having a reunion and so we trekked on down and had a great weekend with the family. It was great spending time with my brother Joel and his wife Kristen and baby Jack and my parents. And it was a bonus to see the relatives too! We had about 24 hours of driving total over the course of the 5 day weekend and my boys did amazing. And as a bonus, I got a nice tan. :-)

So now we count down until school starts. I start up college in the fall and the boys start a week later. The way that my schedule is working out, I won't be able to fit work in there, so I am going to be on a major budget crunch. Not that I don't 'try' to do that now.....

Joshua is starting first grade. It amazed me that my 5 year old is going into first grade! I can't believe how grown up he is. And now my little baby Lucas is starting school too! That is freaking me out. I will cry. Dang, it'll be bad. He'll be riding the bus to school and spending a full day at preschool. He will have a one-to-one aid with him all day, everyday. She will be helping him with everything from feeding to his therapies and participating in classroom activities. He'll be receiving speech 5 times a week and PT/OT 4 times a week. I can not wait to see the progress he'll make! He is already succeeding with therapies at home being seen half that amount. It's going to be amazing!!!

Well, I will hopefully be updating more often. I have been holding a lot of feelings in lately that need to get out, or they might burst. So be tuned in for that one! LOL

Handling It?

2011-05-30T15:34:00.001-07:00

Funny how people say to me that I am 'handling' it so well. Handling it? Yes, I am handling life. Why, what is not handling it?

I'm a wreck today. Life is getting to me. Stress of being a single mom and being alone. I understand that I am not actually alone. I do, in fact, have 2 kids. And I have the help of my parents who do so much for me with my boys. But in reality, I am alone.

I am having a rough time with my boys right now. I know that at every age and stage in life, I will struggle. But Lucas' needs are getting harder and harder. He can't walk, talk or communicate. He throws, hits and pulls hair. He's a happy boy, most of the time and everyone loves him, but there are just times where he is so difficult. It is really getting hard to go places with him, something that I am struggling with on a personal level as well.
I've always been a go-go-go kind of girl. Nothing every really stopped me. I've always traveled with my kids and did whatever I wanted with them. But now, there is a real halt on that. I'm not sure if its a selfish thing on my part and I just need to deal with it; Or if its something that will pass and I will figure out a way to adjust to it. But taking Lucas everywhere is getting to be nearly impossible.

Another part of my emotion is my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy. Period. We are all so happy when we are with him. And He thinks my kids are great. But he doesn't have kids and hasn't really been around kids much at all. So enter.... the 3 of US. First there is me. 31 year old, emotional, college student, single mom, living at home. 5 year old, active, mouthy, CRAZY kid. 2 1/2 year old physically and mentally disabled baby. I know he wants to be with us. But man, I can not imagine being in his shoes. We must be a sight. How he is still around is beyond me. I worry that we are going to just be too much and scare him away. (Even though, deep down I know the truth)

I just don't know what to do. This life I was given, and these choices that I made, sure have lead up to a crazy time. I worry that I won't be able to 'handle it'. I worry that I will be alone. I worry that I won't be able to get a grasp on this parenting thing and fail.

A moment to write. Just a moment to read.

2011-04-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

The blood made him snap.

It changed him back to the husband I knew.

It came from the call I tried to make,

The ripping of the phone out of my hands,

As I huddled on the bathroom floor.

Helpless tears came, along with the

Life altering fear that never left my body.

Every drink, no matter if just one;

Brought that same fear back,

Every.single.time.

For six long years.

The names I was called, will never be forgotten.

The moment I thought I might die,

will never be forgotten.

He will never be forgotten.

I've been wanting to write about some experiences I've had over the years ever since I started my English class. We aren't writing, but when I've got something to say, I HAVE to say it.

Victory!

2011-03-31T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well, a year has come and gone and I've done it!! I have made my goal! I set out to reach a specific weight and 6 months later, I did it! I've maintained that weight for the last 6 months, and I couldn't be prouder. Through all of the stress and craziness my life has had, I stayed strong with the help of an amazing friend and weight loss partner. I am so thankful for her support and encouragment. Thank you Jenni!! Here's to the next goal....

What? A boyfriend?

2011-03-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Well, its true. I have a boyfriend! It sounds silly to me. I am 30, a mother of 2 and I have a boyfriend. Haha. I sound 18. But, on the bright side, I feel 18 too.

I wrote a little about him in my last post. His name is Brian. I met him a while ago, before I was EVER interested in having a boyfriend. We met and became really good friends. One of my best friends, actually. Once I moved here, we started to spend time together and our friendship grew. Its was amazing how well we seemed to 'fit'. We understand each other on a level I didn't even know existed. (Gosh, that sounds cheesy.)

B, as we call him around here, is amazing. I won't call him perfect, because he isn't. But there are so many things about him that are so wonderful. I think the most important thing about him, the most wonderful thing, is that he is honest. We talk about everything, no matter what it is. We are honest and straight forward with everything. We are older, and we see what lies ahead of us, so there isn't any use in hiding anything.

It's pretty awesome to have someone in your life who actually thinks you are amazing too. I know he likes me. I know he wants to be with me. Its something that I've never felt before, truthfully. I believe what he says, and that is priceless.

Another thing that is awesome.... he likes my kiddos. We've kept it very casual around them. They just know that he is the fun guy that comes around and plays and wrestles. So they think he's pretty cool too. But with me, comes them. I worried that I would never find someone who would someday, love me for me, and then love my kids individually too. But I didn't even have to search, he just showed up!!

I never knew a relationship could be like this. I never knew I could be so happy. I never knew that just being around someone could make me feel so secure, happy, and excited about the future.

I am so thankful for the timing we have. We met unexpectedly. We became friends unexpectedly. I feel beyond lucky to have him in my life.

A Mother's Love

2011-02-14T18:11:00.001-08:00

Every night, before I go to sleep, I sneak into my boys' dark room and I tuck them in. It is my favorite part of the day. Joshua removes the sheet and blanket and only uses his comforter, every single night. So I re-adjust the blanket 'situation', kiss his forehead and whisper that I love him. And Lucas always kicks off his favorite, baby blue, handmade blanket, and somehow turns himself sideways. So I cover him up, turn him in the right direction and rub his little head.

Without fail, this happens every night, and right on cue, I get butterflies.

I love that after 5 years of being a mom, I still get butterflies in my stomach with the overwhelming love I have for my kids. I don't know if this happens to other moms, and I don't actually care. I just love it. It is a perfect moment, in my chaotic life.

I remember a time back when I first had Lucas. I had loved him from the time I found out I was pregnant. But I wasn't 'in love' with him right away. And it didn't come immediatly for me. With so many health problems and issues, I wasn't able to be with him or hold him much. I loved him, but that amazing 'mommy moment' didn't happen for while. It came about a week later, once I was able to hold him in my arms and see that precious gift face to face. It shocks me still, that there could have been a time I didn't feel what I feel now. But knowing that my love overflows for that child, makes it all OK.

Sometimes I worry about what the future holds for my little Lucas. He is the most charming and sweet child that anyone could meet. He makes grown men melt and women swoon. He is adorable and funny and always willing to go to anyone. He is just wonderful. But I worry that as he gets older, and his frustrations with communication and mobility get more difficult, so will he. I am afraid that people won't see that sweet adorable child anymore and they might start looking down at my angel. I know that I shouldn't worry about something that I have no control over, but I just want the best for him and want people to know who he really is. I just hope that no matter what, he can keep his charm and that people will always see the real Lucas.

I know that I was destined to be a mom. I have always known that. Most of the time I wish I were better at it. I guess I thought I would be. But I know that there is no way I could ever love them more. It's interesting to think about my childrens specific personalities and wonder what God was thinking when he gave them to me.

Joshua is a strong willed, resilient child. Outgoing, polite, and boundary pushing. I have always set limits and he's always pushed them. I am hoping that standing my ground for so long with him, will pay off and he'll turn that corner to understanding soon.

Lucas is sweet and loving and a high maintanence child. From pregnancy he has tested my strength as a woman and mother, and every step has paid off.

I think God knew what he was doing when He gave me those boys. He knew I had this strength in there, and I guess He knew I could handle raising these kids alone.

Another Sappy Blog Post....

2011-02-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

As Valentine's Day approaches, I keep hearing people talk about how they don't 'believe in' Valentine's Day. They say its a made up holiday for companies to make money. But really, why can't we have a day to celebrate love and the people we love? For me, its nice to take the time out of my busy life and think about the people who I love and cherish and those who love me. How blessed am I that I have people around me, who love me, in spite of my many faults and failures. They love me when I yell, look a mess, don't clean, am cranky, moody and emotional. They love me for who I am, to the core, and I am so very thankful.

This year, I am celebrating Valentine's Day with a new valentine. His name is Brian. He is my friend. Actually, he is becoming one of my very best friends . He is sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, hard working, caring and just plain crazy. We have a special friendship, one that is honest and open and we both know that all we have is time and there absolutely no need to rush anything.

I am thankful to have such amazing people surrounding me. I get boggled down by bills and stress and school and time and work and life---BUT I am always thankful for the friends and family around me. I don't think that a day goes by where I am not reminded of how lucky I am.

I swear, I am NOT this positive and cheerful. For some reason, it all comes out sappy theses days. But what happens is this; I roll out of bed, not wanting to get up. I get my kid up for school and my parents are both up in the kitchen. We usually are in each others way, mom is running late, dad is taking his time. I get the baby up and in his highchair as I scurry to get Joshua ready for the bus, which is ALWAYS late. While I try to get my act together, someone is usually entertaining the baby. Once we are finally out the door, I realize what a MESS I made of my parents routine and how thankful I am that they took us in.

There is always a thought of how our day 'used' to run. Always a thought about how my parents days 'used' to run. But I know that they are happy. And I know that we are happy. Thats what matters, right?

Then there is Jen. Like clockwork, she calls me. Every morning and every evening. Even when I'm unavailable, even when I'm at work, she's always thinking of me. There is always a thought about what our days 'used' to be like. But, we're happy now, right?

See, I'm not sappy. Its more of a reflection. I'm good at that whole thing. Thats what led to my giant life change last year. Reflection. LOL I'm just good at seeing the 'bigger picture' or whatever.

Either way, I don't deserve all the love I get from these people. For some reason, they love me anyway. So, happy Valentine's day......

Hmmm, who am I?

2011-01-19T12:06:00.001-08:00

Well, its official now. OK, it was official a few weeks ago when I actually paid the tuition. But now its really, really official. Ha. I got my JCC student ID today. Its quite strange. I feel so weird about my position in life right now. I feel like a 20 year old college kid, with 2 children and 30 years of life experiences. Its weird. Really weird.

I can not believe that I start classes Monday. Its very surreal. It doesn't feel like its really happening. But come Monday, I'll be sitting there with a new notebook and a literature book in my lap. Hmmm, I should probably find out where my class is......

There is a lot happening in my life and I've pushed back a lot of other things that need to be dealt with now. We are finally seeing specialists for Lucas. Most of them are in Syracuse, which I fully expected. Not a huge deal, except, I really don't have any time to actually go to Syracuse. An hour drive there, 1-2 hours with the doctors and an hour back. Um, yeah, I just don't have that kind of time these days. Its a little scary looking at my pending schedule.

I've contemplated quitting my job. I really enjoy working there. Its fun, and I am surrounded by a lot of happy people. Its a calm environment and its stress free. BUT, I don't make much money there, and I don't actually work many hours. And by the looks of my schedule, I might be needing those hours in the week to be with Lucas and doing therapies and appointments. The problem is, I hate to make it inconvenient for them and I don't want to disappoint anyone at work. I really like them and I know that I am wanted and needed there. Its silly really. I don't know what to do.

So, I guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks. All I know is that I CAN do this. I can juggle a lot of stuff. I've done it before- it was just different things. Hopefully I don't drop anything.....

An Amazing New Year

2010-12-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

It is completely strange to think about how different life is this year, compared to last year. There are still a lot of similarities though, too. How could there not be? I am still me, and I still have children. But there are so many other things that have changed about our life.

This year, we said a lot of goodbyes. We said goodbye to bad things. We said goodbye to wonderful things. To possessions, family, attitudes, regrets, unhappiness, negativity, friends, comforts, and sadness. But we also greeted many things too. Independence, love, generosity, kindness, happiness, simplicity, and a new future.

This year has been, by far the most drastic of years. And let me tell you, I've had my fair share of drama. But, I can honestly say, I know that I made the best decision possible for my boys and I. There is not one doubt. And I love that. People may have questioned choices that I made, questioned who I was or what I was doing. But I know that I stayed true to myself, and mature through it all. I am proud of the way that I handled things, and I am thankful that my children will be proud one day too. It wasn't easy leaving. It wasn't easy at all. I just hope that they will understand someday, that I did it for them. I did it for myself. I did it for our future as a family.

When I look back on this year, it will be a milestone. It will mark 12 years I gave a man my whole heart. It will mark 10 years that I gave my marriage everything. It will mark the year that I finally stood up for myself and realized that I deserved more as a woman, wife, and mother. It will mark our move across the country and the sacrifice my parents made for us. It will mark who my true friends are, the ones who stood by my side through it all. It will mark the year that I made a change in myself and got healthy. 2010 will mark the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I am a proud woman. I am proud mother. I am excited about what is next for us. I am excited to watch my children grow and learn. I can not wait to see what 2011 holds for them. I love them with every bone in my body, and every part of my heart. And I am so thankful that I have them by my side everyday.

Sometimes I can take my own advice

2010-12-05T21:00:00.001-08:00

I love reading through my blog. I actually enjoy my own writing, and reminiscing about my life. But sometimes, I love the wisdom that I have- that somehow gets lost or forgotten.

*life is different now, titles have changed. But the idea is still the same I suppose
--copied from a previous post

Lately I've been feeling out of sorts. I've been feeling not myself. Stressed, worried, tired- ok exhausted, scared. Those of which aren't really me. Yes, I stress. Yes I worry. Yes, I'm tired. But lately, its been to the extreme. I think that the last year is finally catching up to me. Life has taken its toll and I'm kinda freaking out. The 'week of tears' kind of put me in a rut and I haven't been able to get out of it. We are in the process of planning a weekend getaway which is well well over due and sooooooooooooo needed. Can you tell I really need a break? :o)

I've been worried about myself, a good sign I guess in the scheme of things. If I didn't care about my well being then you should probably worry. I've been not wanting to be a mom, homemaker (which is legally my job title) and wife. Its all been no fun and I want a change of pace. No fun you ask? Well, let me elaborate. I've been dealing with a 3 year old potty trained, jealous, not getting enough time with mom, high spirited, full of energy, acting out little boy. He does weird, very weird things to get my attention. Like peeing on his toys. Pooping on the floor. Stuff like that. Oh yes, that is the no fun I am talking about. I am hoping that this is a phase or way of getting mom's attention, because if this is the ride called life- I WANT OFF! I love that boys and daily he makes me smile. But lately, oohhhh, I just don't know what to do. And more of the no fun.... a fussy, skinny, not getting enough time with mom, needs a lot of attention, 8 month old baby. Oh its just a joy.

And let me just add a little bit of more 'no fun' stuff. Cleaning, cooking, budgeting, laundering, cleaning up of pee on toys, poop off floors, and baking (ok that one if fun).
I am not complaining. I actually have a point to this WHOLE blog. As it is a way for me to vent to the hundreds of people reading (ok 30, LOL), it is also to share this little tid bit.

As I drove down the highway today in a bit of a funk, I saw something neat on the side of the road. There was a little bunch of flowers blooming. It was surrounded by weeds, trash and other not so great stuff found in ditches. But through all of the junk, the flowers bloomed. As I looked at those flowers (while driving 60mph down the highway) I realized that I needed to be like those flowers. Surrounded by junk, i.e. cleaning-stressing-kids, I needed to bloom and grow. That even in this crazy stressful time in my life, there is more important things to focus on. Growing as a person. As a christian, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I hope that in some part of my life that while I am blooming and growing that I can bring laughter, love and brighten someone's day, just like that flower patch did for me today.

Workin' Girl and Weekend Getaways

2010-12-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

So, as the title implies, I have a job.

I like my job. And I love that I do.

I am a cashier at a grocery store. Its not glamorous, by any means, but its fun and stress free. I think that I could use that in my life right about now, don't you think?

So I was offered a job through one of my brothers good friends. She heard about my 'situation' and told me that if I needed anything, there was a job waiting for me when I came to town. I wasn't necessarily looking to work, but the idea of getting out and meeting some new people sounded great. So I did. Basically she asked me when I wanted to work, and how much and BAM, that's what I do. Its 3 days a week and well under 20 hours. LOL. Its pretty simple, and I think that is why I like working.

I have met some awesome people. Everyone has been so great and friendly. I really have a lot of fun there. Most of the girls I am with there are pretty young, which has been kinda fun. I get to be the old lady, but at the same time act goofy too. I can do that quite well, no matter what crown I am around though.

I am also planning a little weekend getaway. As you know, I left my very best friend in Seattle when I moved away. Its been so hard adjusting to life without her and well, super, super sad. So dreaming, we talked about a weekend trip and looky what happened.... I booked a flight.
In my divorce, my ex is supposed to have the kids over Christmas, but this year it didn't work out. Mostly because of finances and time frames. So, instead of just taking off alone to see my friend, I decided to offer him to buy a ticket for Joshua. I chose not to take Lucas for a few reasons. For one, flying with 2 kids isn't the most exciting thing to do for a 4 day trip. And for two, Lucas wouldn't care either way. LOL Joshua on the other hand needs to see his dad and grandparents and I knew it would be good for him. As much as I would have rather just gone alone, I knew this was best.
So in 39 days (as Jen pointed out today) We'll be taking a late flight to Seattle and spending a super exciting 3 days there! I for one, am thrilled. Joshua isn't thrilled because I haven't told him yet. Ha. I am waiting until after Christmas to tell him about the trip.

So there is my little update for those who read this. <3

Trying to be Thankful....

2010-11-21T15:18:00.000-08:00

I wrote a blog a few days ago where I ended writing about the things that I was thankful for from my ex. It wasn't where I was headed with that blog, but I like where it took me. I never really thought of those things before and it really gave me a new perspective on the ending of my marriage.

There are a lot of things that I have been quite embarrassed about lately. The fact that I am 30 with 2 kids and now single; I live at home with my parents; I get medicaid; and that I am starting all over again after a failed marriage.

But I have so many things to be thankful for.

I have amazing parents. They have been incredible. They are so generous, caring, accepting, loving, forgiving, kind and thoughtful. I would be a lost, crazy mess without them and their support. Both monetarily and emotionally.

I have incredibly supportive friends who had stood by my side through such a crazy time. I wouldn't even know who I was without them.

I am thankful for my children.
Joshua has become a sweet big brother, something that I wanted so badly for so long. He loves Lucas so much, and I am so thankful. He is learning and growing, and its awesome to watch.

I am thankful for the health of Lucas. Since we've been without insurance, I have been so worried about an ER trip, or refilling prescriptions. But he has only had minor illnesses, that we've been able to treat at home.

I am thankful for the incredible support offered by the state. From the medicaid insurance that they kids and I now get to all of the programs offered for Lucas' disability. The therapies are starting up this week, and I can't wait to see what this next chapter holds for Lucas!

I am thankful for the kindness I receive from friends and family everyday.

I am thankful for the roof over my head, the cute car in my driveway, the job that I was given, the new friends that I am making, the old friends who love me and most of all, I am thankful for the future full of possibilities for my kids and I. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us. And I am so thankful that I can say that now.

Civil....

2010-11-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

Today marked a new milestone. My ex and I actually had a civil conversation. It was strange and weird. Its been months, and months, and well, months since that's happened. We typically text and its best that way for us. But today there needed to be an actual conversation, and it was, for lack of any other word, good.

I started wondering, after my last blog, if I still hated him. I have never hated anyone. I have never hated anything so much, except onions, ever. I was shocked at myself, that I could actually feel that way about someone that I had once loved more than anything in the world. I was amazed. How could I, a person who loves do much, hate? Its obvious why I felt that way. There was no reason that I shouldn't feel that way. But still, it surprised me.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I in fact, did not hate him anymore. I do not like him and I don't think that I ever will. Maybe someday I might, but it doesn't look promising. I am finally happy, and that has brought on a release of those feeling towards him. Thank God. Living with that in my heart did not help anything. I know that life will be easier once it is all gone.

Forgiveness is another story. I think that I'll be working on that one for quite a while. I know that forgiveness is for me and not for anyone else. But, I am not there, as immature as that might sound. It'll take time, and I welcome it fully.

The Nitty Gritty....

2010-11-11T20:42:00.000-08:00

I had decided that I would keep personal details out of my blog about what happened in my marriage. I am still on the fence about if I really want to share it all or not. I assume that most everyone has the basic idea of what happened. I wrote a blog a while back about the issues that I faced in my 10 years of marriage.
If you would like a refresher on it, here ya go

So, I've always written as if I were talking to someone. If you were sitting in front of me right now, I would tell you this to your face. So why not write it?

Fine, twist my arm.

Soon after I gave birth to Joshua, I found out my husband had cheated on me. This was 2006, almost 6 years into our marriage. He had been dealing with some of his own personal issues, and I chose to stay with him, work it out and forgive. Years later, we finally went in to counseling and I forgave him. Or so I thought. When I forgave him, I let go of the anger and hateful feelings I had toward the situation and him. I forgave him under the pretences that it happened because of the issues he was dealing with after going to war.
I later found out that he had cheated on me before war, while we lived in Hawaii. He openly told me what he had done and I didn't know what to do with that information. Having a sick baby, a preschooler and being unemployed, that new information got brushed aside and put on the back burner.
As some time went by, that information began to take its toll. I never dealt with it properly and I couldn't handle what it was doing to me. Our relationship started to really suffer. It had been a bad marriage from the beginning, and knowing that the cheating had started way back in the beginning was not helping.

In the beginning of 2010, we were at a bad place in our marriage. There was no trust, love, affection, friendship or partnership. There hadn't been for a very, very long time. I was turning 30 and I started feeling a sense of reflection. I had spent 10 years married to man that I no longer loved. A man that never treated me right. A man that had cheated on me, more than I believed he had told me. Did I really want to spend another 10 years living that same way?

He moved out and for once, I felt peace. A sense of peace took over my house, myself and my kids. I knew at that point, it was right. He on the other had did not. He begged for me back, told me he had changed, made excuses, told lies and pretended to be someone he was not. When I came back to NY to get some clarity, it had come out that he was seeing someone. Then it came out that it was more that just someONE. When this happened, it was more than clear that this marriage was over. I say this: when I left WA I was about 97% sure I was done with the marriage. When this came out, there was no doubt that I was done 100%. The clarity was perfect.

The rest is pretty simple really. I went back to WA, hired a lawyer, packed my things and my children and left. It was stressful, but thankfully and quite bittersweet actually, he didn't fight for us to stay in WA. I say that only because it would have been a good gesture for him to put up some fight for his kids. But thankfully, he let us all go. I do not look back and wonder if I did the right thing. I know I did. We are all better off this way, even him.

I am ready to move on. I really don't feel surprised by the end of my marriage. Its more of a relief. I have hope to love again. I have hope that the right man is still there for me. I have hope that I will trust a man, give him my whole heart and truly be happy. I never wanted to be single. I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything, ever since I can remember. I want to love whole heartedly with someone who is deserving of my love. Someone who will love me back, be my partner in everything. Someone who wants to be with me, and my children, and no one else. Someone who is happy with our life and is smart enough to not throw it away for something worthless.

I don't look back anymore and feel like I wasted my life. For quite a while I did. But I am strong because of him. He taught me to be independent and stable. I have my 2 amazing boys because of him. Yes, I wouldn't know of them without him, but my kids have helped form who I am . They as individuals have taught me more things in this life than anyone. And I couldn't have done that without him. If I had stayed gone the first time, I wouldn't have Lucas-- and the world would be a sad, sad place without that amazing little boy. So I don't regret being with him, or staying with him. I don't regret giving him my entire heart. I don't regret loving and giving him my everything. I don't regret staying or trying to make it work time and time again. I don't regret any of it. I am thankful for who I am because of these last 10 years. I am thankful for the amazing people that were brought into my life over this time. I am thankful that I know now exactly what I want and need out of a husband.

Its New York Baby....

2010-10-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Isn't that an exciting title for a blog post? Wow, I like it.

Well, a lot has happened since I got here. Nothing as exciting as that title, mind you. But we've been busy either way.

Joshua has started full time kindergarten. He is doing great adjusting to a new school. It took over 2 weeks to even be sent to the principals office! Surprising, yes, I know! I even remarked to the teacher that I was surprised it took that long! Ha ha ha. But he is back to being a good kid and learning a lot. I am really liking this school so far. Even after being a bit scared at first about the 'ghetto' qualitites I first saw.

Lucas is enrolling in all of his therapies. Everything has paperwork, and then a little more paperwork. He had his initial evaluation to get enrolled into the Birth to Three program here, and now we have 4 more evaluations to finish before we can begin. Yikes. That is only the beginning of the appointments for him right now too. Its been a good busy though. If you know me, I do well busy. Well, fine, I do OK busy. But its good either way.

And as for me.....I start work on Monday. Its not a glamorous job, but I didn't have to apply, or fight for what hours I wanted. My brothers good friend knew I was coming back to NY and said that if I wanted a job, she was holding one for me. So I went in Tuesday and told her what I wanted to work, and well, there ya go. I am excited. I am a bit nervous too. I haven't had a 'first day at work' in over 6 years. Its been a while. But I am happy to be meeting new people and make some new friends.

Its been a quick transition to NY. I got a new car and a new job. I moved in my own things. Its definitely not vacation. Something that I thought I might feel for a while. I am a bit lonely. I am a lot scared. But I am really happy. I know that this was exactly the right move for the boys and I. That hasn't been questioned at all. But its just a bit strange, I guess. I am back in my parents house, with children. It has been a learning experience with pride. I didn't think that I was that prideful, but I have learned that I am. I am dealing with letting things go....and thats a hard lesson.

3 letters....

2010-09-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

This might be weird for someone who doesn't know me. But I'm weird. So now you know me.

I am moving away from a place that I love. I knew it would be hard. I just never thought it would be this hard.

Washington is great. My house is nice. My friends are amazing.

I have 2 very close friends that I will be leaving behind in my move. It is quite devastating actually. You'd think that I would be used to this by now. I left my home state of NY after 20 years. I don't think I even shed a tear that day. I left Hawaii after 3 years and a bunch of close friends. I left Texas after 3 years and well, I cried. But this is where I saw my life. This is where I settled. The military life was over, and I let my guard down and made relationships that I knew would last a lifetime. And now I am faced with the reality, that my life here is over and my friends will be staying here.

I am also leaving behind a family that I loved. I am going through a messy divorce right now and it has changed my relationships. It is something that I never saw coming. I thought that no matter what happened, the love and effort that I put into making this my family would have lasted. But I was wrong. So not only do I leave the people that I called family, I am no longer part of it. I am hurt by that, deeper than I think they'll ever know.

I am blogging a lot these last couple of weeks. I am dealing with a lot of stress and emotion and this is the best way for me to get a sense of release. So as I share my feelings, remember this is for me. Not for you. <3

Goodbye letters:

Family- As I say goodbye to you, I will try to take away the anger I am feeling for a few moments. Please know that I am hurt and saddened by the acts of betrayal and the feelings of neglect and distrust. I thought that after 10 years, you knew who I was and that I never wavered with my beliefs.
I have loved being a part of this family. As dysfunctional as it was sometimes, it was fun and I enjoyed all the years. I loved the game nights, our Christmas sleep overs, and just knowing each of you and your favorite things. It was the simple things that made this family great. I am sad that its over. I hope that you will remember that I loved you, and that my kids loved you. I will always try to remember the good, before all of the bad.

Now....the tears start.

Denelle- My dear, sweet friend. I am going to miss you so much. I love that I can be so relaxed and comfortable with you. I love that I can talk about anything in the world with you and you listen. You remember the silliest details, and you love the juicy ones! I love that I can spend hours with you and never tire. I love that we are so similar too. Its cracks me up. The ketchup thing last week...priceless.
I love your children. And I mean truly LOVE them. Mirianna is the sweetest little girl. I am going to miss her, and her love for me! <3 And those 2 new angels. I swear, they are the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. And don't get me started on my little boyfriend. I <3 him so!
I love your husband too. (No, not that way) You are a lucky, lucky woman. Know that. I love that he wants nothing more in this world than to see you happy and make those kiddos smile. He is an amazing husband and daddy, and I am so glad that you have found such a good man in this world. It gives me hope that men like that do exist.
I hope that wherever the Army takes you, that it is somehow close to me. If I could get another 3 years with you, I would be a happy, happy woman. I am so sad that I won't see those kids grow in person. I wish that I could be around to see who they become and play a tiny role, somehow. I wish that I could get more time with you. I feel so very lucky to have met you, to have spent time with you and that I get to call you my best friend. Thank you for never, ever judging me. For always opening your door to me. And for always having a smile....and a HUG.

I love you my dear friend. I will never forget you.

Jenni-
I can't believe that I am writing a goodbye letter to you on my blog. But whatever, I'm doing it. I could have emailed one, or written it in a card. But someone, this is right.
I have no words to tell you how much you mean to me. I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would still love you more. I have never been so close to a person in my life, not even my husband. Its strange, actually. In a totally awesome way. I can laugh with you. Cry with you. Talk about nonsense with you. Or even sit and say nothing. I know that I will never have another friendship like ours as long as I live.
I can't even being to tell you how sad I am to leave you. I honestly can't even come up with words. Its just hurts to think about leaving you.

I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things that I can write about you. First of all, you are funny. Hilarious. And I love it. You are kind and generous. You are so cool and thoughtful. :-) You are smart, beautiful, a great mom, an amazing wife, a wonderful daughter and sister and the best friend that anyone could ever have. You give the best advice, and I swear, I will be calling you for advice on every decision.....just as I do now. Thank God we both and AT&T!!!

I am so sad that our boys won't grow up together, as we had dreamed. I am so sad that I won't grow old with you either. I am sad that we won't have our weekly Thursdays. That we won't have our girls nights, shopping trips, and craft time. I am sad that we won't hang out, for hours, doing nothing. I am sad that we won't have weekend trips. I am sad that I won't see you, whenever I want. I am so very, very sad. I am sad that you are the one person in the world that knows me the best and now I'm moving away.

I am going to miss you, but I am also going to miss your family. I love your family. I am going to miss each one of your boys. I am sad that I can't watch them grow into men. They are amazing, smart, athletic boys who are going to cause so much trouble with girls.....
I am going to miss Tony. Over the years I have grown to love him. He is so unpredictable....but reliable at the same time. I am going to miss your parents. They are the sweetest people ever! I love how they make me feel like a part of their family too. I've always appreciated that about them.

So, to my best friend, I love you. You will never know how much. You will never know how much I'm going to miss you. You will never know how much you meant to me. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, without question. For loving my boys, with out judgement. Thank you for always being on my side, looking out for my best interests, telling me how it is, and giving me sound advice. I could not have come this far without you in my corner. You will continue to fight right along side me, even though we are miles apart. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

To take a quote from Greys Anatomy...
Meredith said, Derek is the love of my life, but you are my soul mate. That is how I feel about you- minus the love of my life part. Hopefully that will come later. But Jenni, that's how I feel about our relationship. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything!

'good' byes

2010-09-26T01:14:00.001-07:00

Tonight I had a little going away party. It was just a collection of girls from my area who I love and wanted to have one last night girls night with. Its funny how you 'collect' friends over the years. When you think back to how you met them, its funny who sticks around and who doesn't.

We had margaritas, chips and salsa, cinnamon chips and fruit salsa and brownies and cookies. It was a nice little spread, I must say. We hung out and talked, which of course girls do best. Then we had a little store run and we were back for a board game. It was a super casual night, with no real agenda. And without boys around, no fighting or cheating with the game either. LOL

I didn't think too much about the goodbyes at the end of the night. But as we came to the end, it started to get a little hard. We made it quick and sweet before anything got teary. But as soon as I closed the garage door, the tears started. I am friends with these girls, but never really thought that it would be this hard. They have been a blessing in my life. As little as I saw them, or as much, having them has meant so much to me. Knowing that they would always listen or go and have a girls night, was awesome. I am going to miss them so much. I don't even think that they know how much it means that they came over tonight.

My time in Washington is coming to an end. I am excited, but I am so sad. I expected to live here for the rest of my life. This was the place that I was ready to be. This was the place I called home. This is the place that I want to be. But the time has come to move on. I am ready. I am ready to say goodbye. But it doesn't mean I'm not sad. It is going to be so much harder than I ever thought.

So Washington, thank you. Thank you for your sunshine after rainy days. Thank you for having the most beautiful mountain that took my breath away every time. Thank you for having a cool city so close. Thank you for having amazing people and friends. Thank you for always being green. Thank you for not having extreme weather. Thank you for welcoming me and being home for the last 5 years. Thank you for holding some of the best memories of my life.

'Good' bye.

Oh My Child....

2010-09-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with my 4 year old. He is crazy. He is obstinate. He is tough.

But man, oh man, I sure love him. He keeps me on my toes every day. He is a fire cracker. Yes, I said fire cracker. (I am old now, remember?)

Even with the trials of raising a 4 year old, and his confusion of what is happening in life, I am still full of love for him. There are times, where its questionable though. I know its hard for some of you to read that. Maybe your kids are still young. Or maybe they are super sweet. But let me tell you, there are times where I just want to lock him in a closet. I don't....but I want to! :)

Here are some of the things I love about my Joshua. He tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. He knows how much I love purple. He comforts me when I cry. He is starting to really love his little brother. He is complicated. He is funny.

Like today, we celebrated together that his little brother stuck his tongue out. To most of you, that is not a big deal. But my baby is 2 and has never protruded his tongue. When I told Joshua that Lucas did it, he clapped and rubbed L's head. Its the simple things that make my life so wonderful and make me love my boys so much! I am so thankful that I can celebrate those things with him.

Sometimes its hard to remember that love. When he is hitting, talking back, throwing a fit, getting into trouble, its HARD to feel it. But I know its always there. It'll never go away. And I love that I always know that.

Counting Down and making milestones.,....

2010-09-09T16:49:00.000-07:00

So we are counting down the days. Not technically, as we don't know when we are even able to leave yet! LOL But we are excited for this new phase in our lives. I am ready to make this leap and start a new life with my boys. Its going to be hard, but I know that we are going to do fabulously!!

As we sit and wait....we are making some milestones too!

Joshua has started school. He is in a K-2 program. Its pre-kindergarten class at a public school. His first day was today and mommy was so excited! :) He wasn't too thrilled, but he did great and I think we'll get the hang of this soon. The class is all day Tue/Thurs every other Friday. It was nice to have a break from my little man. We've been spending a LOT of time together, and it was probably great for him, Lucas and mommy to have some break time!

Lucas has been doing great too! We have been using a walker in therapy and we've been able to bring one home for temporary use. At first I didn't have it in the house unless we were going to use it. But I brought it in, and Lucas loves it. He just crawls up to it and uses it! It amazes me. He is so proud of himself and he is doing so good with it!

Life has been pretty hard lately for me. I am full of hope, but there are times where I am so lost. I feel so alone here. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and I would be a complete wreck without them!! But there are times when all I need is a hug and someone close. I really want to share my everyday life with that someone, and well, that someone is no longer. I never wanted to be single. I always wanted to be married. And here I am, alone. It sucks, basically. LOL. I will say that I am still happy, even being alone. Even doing everything on my own. Even with taking care of a hyper 4 year old and a sick, complicated baby. Even being scared out of my mind. I am still happier!

So I guess its just a waiting game until we get the go ahead. Then, onward we go! Our new life----Here we come! Watch out!

Whoa is me....

2010-08-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

Whoa, my life is crazy!

So its official. I am getting a divorce. Never did I think that I would actually be saying that. I knew that my marriage was rough. I knew that my marriage was not a typical one. But I thought that if we had made it through everything we had, that we'd actually survive. But 10 years has come and gone, and we are separating and going our own ways.

I have been on my own with the kids for almost 5 months. Its been pretty rough. But I did have babysitters and I was on vacation in NY for 5 weeks with my parents. So now I am home, and completely on my own and wow, this is hard!

I am having a bit of shock. OK, a lot of shock. I have 2 kids, yes I am aware. I have a special needs child. Yes, also known. But am I really capable of doing this? Really, really?

I know that this blog is for ALL people to read. But as I have stated before, it basically for me to get out my thoughts, frustration and vent. And that is really what this is about.

I know that I am a strong woman. I know that I love my kids more than life itself and more than I ever thought possible. I know that my dreams DO NOT always come true. And I am learning that my dreams can come in MANY, MANY forms.

I dreamed of being a stay at home mom for my entire life. Well you know what Rachel? You got your dream. It didn't last as long as you'd hoped, but you did it. And you loved every moment of that time with your kids.

I dreamed of being in a big city and living a life of cool possibilities. Well Rachel, you did it. You lived in Hawaii, Texas and Washington and you got to experience Seattle. You got to do some super awesome things while you were there. It may have not been as long as you had hoped, but it was still amazing.

I dreamed of my own home. A happy family. Watching my kids grow. Well, that happened. You got your house. Its time to let it go, but you got it. You will soon be with your family- and you WILL be happy. And you will get to watch your children grow and become amazing, wonderful, respectful, hardworking, and talented men!

I dreamed of loving a man until the day that I died. A love that would stand the test of time, the trials of life and its tribulation. Well, Rachel, you loved. You loved hard and long and with all your heart. It may have not been a dream love, or a love that gave back, but you tried your hardest and you gave it your everything.

I know that there is a wonderful future for me and boys. I know that fully. I know that I am meant for great things. I was given a strong will for a reason. I am tough and feisty and I know what I want, and that will get me through this.

Its easy to be strong when you type these things out. I just wish I didn't have these tears.......

Holy Birthday?!

2010-08-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

Well, my little wee baby is turning 2! Isn't that amazing?! I love looking back over the last 2 1/2 years at this little man's life. I am in awe every time I reminisce. He is a miracle, through and through.

Here is a video montage from last years 1 year birthday. I reminisce a lot!

This year, Lucas is doing pretty amazing. He is still crawling around like a maniac. Its amazing how fast he actually is. He is babbling and 'singing'. Sometimes he will hold a little conversation with you. (In high pitched squeaks, that is) He loves to climb stairs, squeeze animals, and pull hair. He is showing some signs of an average 2 year old, too. He is hitting, biting and not listening to the word 'NO'. Its a nice reminder of how far he has actually come!

Lucas is still in PT, OT, Speech and Vision therapy weekly. Its been such a blessing for him. I realized how much of an impact it has on him, when we were gone for 5 weeks to NY. But we are getting back in to the swing of things around here.

Lucas can light up a room when he is there. Everyone falls in love with him. I call him prince charming because he is so sweet and he has a charm over people. He has to go through so much physically, yet he is so forgiving immediately after.

I just am in love with my little boy. He has made my life mean something more than I ever thought possible. He has made my life worth it. I sometimes wonder why. I wonder why this happen to him? Why did this happen to me? And then I realize that it is the way it is supposed to be. I wouldn't change my sweet angel for anything in the world! He is perfect and amazing, just the way God made him! <3

At a Loss

2010-07-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

I've been having a rough week. Normal for my life right now. Normal for my life, in general. Since I've been in NY the last 3 weeks, I've faced the facts that I'll probably be moving. Now don't get me wrong, I love New York. I love the people here, the food, the beauty. But I LOVE Washington. I mean, really, really, love it there. The weather is pretty great. The activities are great. Man, its just fricken great. But knowing that I need to be somewhere else is a struggle. I need my family. I need New York.

So the last couple of days I've felt lost. I've felt like I don't belong anywhere. I know that I am loved. I am loved by people here and there. Loved by people everywhere! (LOL Sorry, too much Dr's Suess)

I know who I am. And that has always meant that I can fit in anywhere. So this is a new feeling for me. I've moved to new places. Met new peple, time and time again. But having my life ripped away and feeling lost, is the strangest part.
When you add that I've lost weight and started exercizing, I feel like I have a new body too. I went from knowing who I am to being someone who is lost.

I was: the chubby, stay at home mom and wife who baked, cooked and cleaned.
I am: newly single, running, thinner mommy who is gonna start college again and get a job

What? Its nuts!

So I guess that I need to start figuring out who I am now. I know that I will always be fun, ready to laugh, excited about life (soon again, I hope) loving, friendly, opinionated, cranky, chocolate loving, straight forward, honest and generous.

Way to go Momma

2010-07-14T05:47:00.000-07:00

I've always been the chubby one. Even when I was skinnier, I somehow was still the chubby one. LOL Its followed me around, forever! When I was younger I didn't have a lot of friends. I went to tiny school, lived in the country and had no life. So food became my friend. It was a comfort when I was alone. So fast forward 20 years, and this is what you get. An emotional woman, who is an emotional eater. Food has always been by my side through all my struggles. I've tried to get into exercising. Tried to limit quantities, specifics, but nothing. I would lose and gain. Lose and gain. Lose and gain.

Well, over the last 3 months, I started working out. Regularly. Everyday. Its crazy, I know! The weight started coming off, slowly. But I didn't care. I just wanted it to go away.

I came to NY not knowing how I would continue my workouts. I thought about running, but I am NOT a runner. My ankles hurt, my knees, my boobs. I told myself I would at least walk. Well, I decided to try and run and see what happened. And guess what! I did it. I started at 2 miles and I've been adding to it ever since.

If you add the fact that I wasn't eating due to poor life choices of a certain someone in my life, I dropped some significant weight fast. For once in my life, I wasn't emotionally eating. I was stressed, emotional, angry and full of adrenaline. And well, I turned it into something positive.

I dropped 9 pounds in a 2 week period. 12 pounds from my last weigh-in in WA. It was shocking! I hit 30 pounds weight loss, and I am still going. I am so proud of myself. Excited to see what my body can look like. Excited to see how I can actually be in control of this one thing for the first time ever!

So anyway, I just wanted to share. I am proud of myself, and that never happens!

The Real World

2010-07-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

So our life have been a bit crazy these days. I've been putting off sharing the truth because it didn't 'need' to be out there. But I think that its time to share and let the world know.

I'm all about honesty in my life. Even if it makes me sound crazy, mean or just plain annoying. But that is how I am choosing to live my life, and that is my choice. I think that if you can't be honest, why bother opening yourself to a person at all.

Josh and I separated a few months ago. I've shared before of some of our struggles over the years. I've never gone into detail about anything, and I still won't. But its been an extremely difficult marriage for the past 10 years. But everyone knew that. We've dealt with things that some people only dream of.

I will leave the details out of this post. Basically, we are no longer pursuing our marriage. Its sad, but it is for the best interest of myself and the kids. I've promised Josh that no matter what happens, the feelings we have, that the kids will always know that they were conceived in love. They will know that there was love, once, and that they will ALWAYS be loved. I am sad that they won't get to grow up with 2 loving parents like I did. But I know that their lives will be happy and that I will give them everything they need and support them through anything!

Emotionally, I am doing pretty well. I am in New York on vacation right now. This was not what I planned on happening while I was here. But if that's how things go, that's how they go. My family has been amazing, and have been everything that I want/need them to be. I have hope for our future. I know that I am strong enough for this. I know that what I can't deal with, I can give it up to Someone who can.

I will continue with my blog through this. I've been putting off writing, because I didn't want to cover up my life with 'stuff'. But now that this is out in the open, I can write freely.

Thanks for the love and support. If you really want to chat, feel free to email me or Facebook me.

A GRAND Vacation

2010-06-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

GRANDma and GRANDpa came to visit last week. We had so much fun. Its been over 2 1/2 years since they were here together. And almost 2 years since they were here at all. It was well needed. They got to see our new house and hang out with the kiddos. We took a mini vacation while they were here to Longbeach, WA. It a beautiful beach location, despite the 60MPH winds and rains. LOL. Even with the crappy NW weather, hanging out with my parents is always wonderful. During their stay, I also had my 30th birthday. (YIKES!) It was definitely a busy week!

Sleeping Beauties!

Me and my little man

LOVE!

My Birthday Treat

We braved the pool, in the rain and wind
Thank God it was heated!

Our last day at the resort

Long Time, No Post

2010-06-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well, its been quite a while since I last blogged. I won't begin to fill you in on the last few months. Life has been a bit crazy. We've had some fun, and we've had some stress.

But I'll start with my most recent of posts.

Lucas finally got his AFO's. They are Ankle Foot Orthodics. They are pretty neat. He had his foot casted and the AFO's were made just for his skinny little foot. We've only used them once during therapy last week, but they seem pretty cool. We used them a tiny bit here at home, but we're still learning.

I really hope that these can help stabilize him so that he can stand and soon walk. He's a pretty fast little bugger. He can crawl like the wind. But he needs to be able to walk, so that is our goal! He's been using a walker during physical therapy too, and that has been neat too.

Joshua has been doing great. He is becoming a smart, polite little man. Most of the time anyway. He is finishing up preschool this week. We are waiting to hear about getting him into a 3 day a week K-2 program at a public school. I really, really hope we hear good news soon. This would be so great for him.....and for me!

Twitch

2010-03-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

I have the twitch. This is usually brought about by 3 things. Too much caffeine, eye strain or stress. I don't usually know I have either of those things until the eye twitch comes along. Typically for me, its the stress. I don't freak out too much about things, so I don't really know I'm stressed until that dreaded eye twitch starts up.

The stress you ask? Well, my husband has been laid off from work since January. We've been through this before. Many times. But this time around, work isn't calling. We survive on unemployment, VA disability and my small paychecks. Its decently comfortable for us. We don't struggle, but we don't get to party either. Usually, its only for a few weeks that we are living like this. But with the new house, and 2 kids, its getting tighter. The issue now is that, because work isn't calling, we are thinking about when unemployment runs out. We are also dealing with the idea of health insurance running out. That's scary!!

We've been without health insurance before when Joshua was little. But life is different now with Lucas. We CAN NOT be without health insurance. I am starting to get things in order for getting on state health insurance until Josh can find a job that pays and has insurance.

Finding a job isn't the easiest either. Because of my husbands 'situation', career jobs aren't great to find. There are jobs available, but they don't pay enough. There are jobs available, that he is just not qualified for. And then there are some that would be perfect, but he probably won't get because of his 'condition'. I could work, but that's is almost impossible really. If he works too, who would watch the kids? Who would do all of Lucas' therapy. Its a tough situation.

We only have 2 months left until the breaking point. 2 months is a long time. Especially when work could call any day. But 2 months can go by so fast, and well, we'll be there in no time at all.

I am stressed for other reasons, but that is a whole other post. Life has given me some curve balls and I am kind of in a 'woe is me' phase right now. I have been really emotional these past 2 weeks. From my marriage, to thinking about putting the idea of having another baby on the way, way back shelf, and my children- being children. Its nothing too crazy, but it is my life, and I am living it daily.

After my last post about genetic testing and wanting another baby, I've been really thinking about it. What is my life really going to be like with Lucas? He doesn't walk, talk, communicate in any way. He is constantly sick. My miracle baby is a handful. How could I ever really think about having another child. So, I am just going to give up that whole idea for a while. A long while. I can dream, but its a far reality.

So now you understand my twitch.

Genes

2010-03-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

So I have been without a 'personal' doctor since I had Lucas. The midwives I started the pregnancy with are long gone. The high risk perinatologists are also, long gone. So what to do? I was in need of a new doc. I searched the internet, but much to my dismay, not very many websites for offices. What is this, 2001? So I just picked one that sounded good and went with it. His name was Julius. That just sounds smart, right?

The office was nice. The nurses was uber friendly and outgoing. The doctor was, big; old; gray. I likey. Why? Big- he probably won't harp on my weight. Old- he's been around. Seen lots. Gray- isn't caught up with appearances.

He asked a gazillion questions. Things I haven't been asked before. I'm not a typical patient. I have issues. I've had issues for years. He wasn't intimidated by anything. Then we got onto the topic of Lucas. Special needs baby, crazy delivery, etc. Then he brought up the topic of more babies. And then, genetic testing. Yikes.

Lucas has a chromosome abnormality that could have been a fluke, or that could have been handed down from either Josh or I. Lucas has an unbalanced trans location. Part of chromo 13 is missing and is replaced with an extra 22. (You can read more here from a previous blog). So what Josh and I could have, is called a balanced trans location. Where we have the full 13 and 22, but the little pieces are swapped. We would show no signs of any issues, but our children might. Hence Lukey.

While at the hospital, we agreed to the testing, if our insurance would pay for it. But they denied it. So we figured it was for the best. Honestly, we haven't thought about testing since. Until last week that is. While sitting, listening to my doctor talk about getting tested, OK urging the testing, I was conflicted. At first I wanted to cry. I was uncomfortable hearing all of it. Then, I was pissed. How dare he urge me to get tested. We finished our appointment, and after he apologised for going into so much detail, he assured me that he was comfortable with anything I decided.

But it wasn't as simple as an apology. This was now stuck in my head. For good. I'm a harper. I harp on things. Until they are resolved. Just ask my husband. I was confused. What is right? Where did we stand?

I asked the question to my Facebook world. Some mearly strangers, others my closest friends in the world. What did they think? What would they do?

After weighing the pros and cons for both, I was still confused. All of my friends said they would do it. They would rather know before bringing another baby into the world. How could I live with the fact that I could have prevented it. Or knowing would give me a reassurance that everything would be OK.

Then I brought it up with to my husband. He did not feel the same way as my Facebook friends. He was not in agreement for the testing. Even after everything I had explained. He told me that I could get tested, but he would not.

So here is where I am right now. I'm leaning on the side of getting tested. But there are so many What ifs?
What if I am a carrier?
What if Josh is, and he doesn't get tested?
What if I have another baby, and the baby is sick?
What if we both get tested, and there is still health issues?

The list keeps going. I am about 90% sure I want another baby. I am about 90% sure I'll get tested. I am about 90% sure I am freaked out.

My Friends.... In No Particular Order

2010-03-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to write a blog about my friends. I love them. They are what keep me sane. Whether I talk to them daily, weekly, monthly, or just random texts, I love them. Each one of them have special traits that I love. Each one of them have been significant in my life.

Tiffany LaBreck Mott-
My dearest and oldest friend. Oldest as in, oldest and I've known the longest. Haha. She was my partner in crime from about 13-18. We started off innocent. (Or at least I was.) We've been through funny things, sad things, and some things that I don't even remember. She's a super strong woman and momma. She has 3 boys, who are just awesome. I love that when I go back to New York, she's always there. We can always pick up where we left off and there is never any awkwardness.

Tiff, I love you. I would not be who I am today if I hadn't been your friend!

Sara Pliscofsky-
Sara, my party friend! She was my rock when my husband deployed to Iraq. I didn't want to be her friend at first. Skinny little blond thing. But it worked. She was great. We did everything together. Even went to the gas station together. If I hadn't had her, I would have been a complete mess, more that I was anyway. She made me laugh, was there when I cried, and she taught me a lot! She is a rock, with a huge heart. She has a mind to learn and share. She has 2 little boys, almost the same ages as mine. Pretty cool, I think. I hate that she lives in Florida across the country. But we've remained friends all these years, and we can keep on doing it!

Sara- Thank you for being my strong friend, supportive and fun! Love you!

Jenni Pritchard-
Jenni- Who would have ever thought we'd be friends? Not me! Our husbands were friends growing up. So when we came to Washington to visit in 1999, I met Jenni. She was pregnant and quiet. Nothing like me. Then years later, we we moved back here to WA, I was once again introduced to her. But this time, it was different. After a few months, we got close and now she is truly my best friend! She is nuts. Crazy, funny, and loving. She has a huge heart and an open door. She'll help you out whenever she can. Its amazing. The thing I always say about Jen is this; I can be my utmost self with her, and she loves me anyway. I have been sick and miserable in a hospital bed and she's come and made me laugh so hard I thought I would rip my stitches. She's been my friend through laughter and tears. Supports me in all my decisions. I really feel like she'll be my best friend until the day I die. We'll be those old ladies you see, acting too young and looking stupid.

Jenni- Thank you for being there, always, and making me smile! Thank you for loving my kids, without judgement!

AnnMarie Trudeau-
Ammy- What can I say about Ammy? She's a fighter. When we met, it was through a stay-at-home-mom's group website. We were lonely moms with nothing to do. We were both living at our in-laws, stuck in a new state. We instantly connected. AnnMarie and I are an odd couple. Tiny little thing, and well, me. But that never matters when we are together. We goof off, laugh and hang out. Its always comfortable. She's a tough cookie, who somehow, always gets her way. When we go through rough patches, the other can always make you smile. I love that. Our kids love each other too. Its so sweet. Someday, they'll marry. AnnMarie loves things with a passion too. DMB, Jamba Juice, and bags of all shapes and sizes and Disney.

AMMY- Thanks for always making me laugh, telling good stories and being my true friend.

Denelle Montefusco-
Denelle- You're crazy. Another friend who always gets her way.... Denelle and I met online in a support group for women with PCOS. We were both pregnant at the same time and she seemed 'normal'. She moved back here to WA, and we decided to meet. We met at a park, and after about a minute, Joshua puked on the ground and Lucas started fussing. She knew what she was getting into from the moment we met. For some reason, she wanted to hang out again. This time she came to my house and hung out for like 9 hours! LOL. We have a bond that pretty cool. I'm not sure if its because I was a military wife, that we had kids around the same time, or that we both PCOS, but I love her. She's fun. She likes most of the same things that I like. (Except the whole New Moon thing? WTH is that?) She's a good cook, puts up with my weirdness and she's so much fun to be around. She's a strong wife and mom, who's dealing with extremly hard things.

Denelle- Thanks for always being yourself, fun and caring. And for giving the best hugs ever!!!

These ladies are my closest friends. I am blessed with other friends in my life, but these girls are what make me really happy. Another thing that I truly, truly love is that they are all friends on Facebook. They all chat about something, even though most of them have never met. It makes me smile to think that maybe, just maybe, we'll all be together someday!

Forgetfulness

2010-03-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget.

I forget where we started.

I forget what we've been through.

It hard to always remember what a miracle Joshua is. How badly I wanted a baby. Desperate to have him. I remember years of infertility and sadness. I was so scared that God wouldn't give me what I had wanted most in the world. I always wanted to be a mom. I never had a career path when asked by guidance counselors. I would tell that that I wanted to be a mom and wife. It wasn't a huge aspiration, but it was my dream.

Then there is Lucas. You might think that its easier to remeber where we started with Lucas. But its not. Yes, its more frequent that it is with Joshua. But its still not easy. When you have a kid who can only communicate with crying, and gets sick all the time, its not something that comes to mind all the time. Lucas wasn't supposed to be here. He was a 'missed miscarriage' as one doctor put it. He was supposed to be blind and deaf, as another doctor told us. Those things are always there. But reading back to the early days, it just amazes me.

http://thewakefieldfamily2000.blogspot.com/2009/09/my-100th-blog.html

I like to think that I write this blog to help 'someone', 'somewhere'. But in all reality, I write this blog for myself. I love reading back. I need to look back. It brings me out of the reality of a crazy house, and back to the love and desire I have for my family. I am blessed, truley blessed.

Field Trip!

2010-03-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

Joshua has been at preschool for about 6 months now. Each month they do a cool field trip. This month we went to Jumpin Jack and Jill's in Sumner. Its an indoor place with inflatable toys. A bouncy house, huge slide and an cool obstacle course. We had a lot of fun. I'm still not friends with any of the moms though. I don't try very hard either. I really have enough going on in my life, and I feel like I have enough friends who I don't see. So why make more friends?

Anyway, here are a few pictures!

Joshua and Jackson

Snack Time

Circle Time

Outdoor fun!!

2010-03-02T08:27:00.000-08:00

We finally got out playset up and running. Now we just need the weather to cooperate. I am really excited to see my kids use this for years to come. Lucas loves to swing, and Joshua loves to climb. And who knows if there will be more kiddos who can enjoy it too!

2010-02-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

My husband is officially old! Well, OK, not really. But he's getting older every year!

Josh had his 31st birthday on February 1st. I can't believe it. The first birthday we celebrated together was his 20th! It just seems crazy. We had a nice dinner with his family as Red Robin (where else would we go?) and went back to his parents for cake and presents. I made him a banana cake. It was a mess, but it sure was tasty. It was just plain white cake, real whipped cream and sliced bananas. Yum. In my family growing up, we only had that cake when we went to grandpa's house. I can not think of another time we ever ate it. Good times.

Yummy!Love!

Goofy!

Sweet, sweet Lucas

Here is Lucas' new trick. He likes to throw! Its cute, and I'm proud.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

2010-02-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

Lucas has been sick for weeks. Crying, whining, fussy, snotty, coughing. Just one big mess, really. I think after all these months we finally figured out when he is teething, he gets really sick. Asthma, fevers, almost-take-him-to-the-hospital sick. Its getting old. Anyway, he was finally crawling around the other night being quiet and we didn't really think anything of it. We were all doing our own thing, so we weren't really paying much attention. We just assumed he was playing quietly. This is what we found.

Kind of looks like we torture him by not letting him sleep in a bed!

This has filled our last few weeks. Josh is laid off and its been extremely helpful. Getting a break when you have a sick kid is so appreciated. We even got a little trip squeezed into the mix. It was a re-do trip actually. The original trip was my friend and I taking the kids to Leavenworth for the night. Its a cute little Bavarian village in the mountains. We had hopes of relaxing, playing in the snow and walking around the quaint little village. But none of that happened. We got there and did a few errands after checking in. As soon as we got back and ate dinner, Lucas was sick. Not sure what happened, but I had to take him to the hospital that night. It was actually like 4 am. Well, Leavenworth has the smallest hospital in all of Washington state. Yea! And well, my kid is a bit special. I think they were scared just hearing of Lucas' medical history.

They eventually sent me to the bigger hospital in Wenatchee. We were only there for a little while. They gave him a breathing treatment and then vented his g-tube. After that we headed back to the condo and rested, finally. It was almost 10am when we finally got back. After that, we packed up and headed back. It was probably the worst trip I've ever taken.

The redo trip was Josh and I and the kids. We went back to Leavenworth, and I packed correctly this time! We stayed for 2 nights and really enjoyed ourselves. We went sledding and played in the snow. We went to a little family arcade and out to dinner. But mostly, we rested and watched movies. It was a really nice time with my boys.

life....

2010-01-05T11:55:00.000-08:00

What a lame title for this post. But it gives you warning for the lame blog you are about to read.

I'm feeling overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be going by, and I am just watching. I don't feel like an active participant. I'm feeling a bit 'out of it'. I guess I'm having some self pity. Feeling sorry for myself. I have a bad attitude.

I really don't have great reasons for feeling this way. I have a great life surrounded by great people. But man, oh man, I feel crappy. I guess its just hard times, and sometimes people get this way. Right? Difficult phases in marriage. Sick kids. Cranky kids. Dirty houses. Fat pants. This happens to everyone right?

When you already feel yucky, you see other people having such a great life. None of the issues that you are dealing with. Its starts the whole 'jealousy' and 'self hatred' stuff. (I speak generally, trying to make myself feel better.)

I know that I'll get out of this funk. I always do. Something silly will happen and I will realized how truely blessed I am.

I shouldn't even post this. But in case anyone ever thought I had the perfect life, (HAHAHAHA) they'll now know, its not the truth!

2009 Reflection

2009-12-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

With New Years, there is a chance for a new beginning. I usually have a resolution that I try not to put much faith in. They usually fail, especially for me. Typically, it weight loss. And typically, I fail. Again, I want to be skinny come 2010, but I guess I should really just want to be healthy for my family. Because really, will I ever be skinny? (Not likely)

With new beginnings, there is a chance to go look back over your year and remember. We've had our share of hard times. Lucas being in the hospital; Josh being laid off; our fair share of sickness. But there was also so many great things about 2009.

We bought our first house!
My big brother got married!
Being healthy more than sick!
My Joshua turned 4!
My Lucas made it to his 1st birthday!
My husband turned 30!
I turned 29 (YIKES)!
We had so many blessings!

Its been a great year. I am SOO looking forward to 2010. We already have a lot planned. Josh and I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary. Its amazing to think that we actually made it to 10! We're going to Mexico to celebrate- without children
My parents are planning a visit and I can't wait to show them our new house!
I will be celebrating my 30th birthday and I am really excited. I am hoping to have a girls weekend in Seattle. Yay!
I am hoping that my brother and sister in law will be visiting also. And maybe bring some exciting news that they'll be having a baby! (I CAN NOT WAIT to be a an auntie!!!)

I can't wait to see my children grow. Its sad that they grow, but more exciting to see them change.

I had a quote from 2008 that I thought was perfect for that year. But as the years keep coming I realize its a great quote for our entire life.

I never thought I would cry so much, love so hard and be so blessed.

Thank you for reading my blog and following our life.
I hope you too have an amazing 2010!

Today I Bawled

2009-12-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

As I played with Lucas tonight, I just started bawling. He was laughing. I was smelling his perfect baby smell. I looked at his beautiful face and started crying, hard. I was hit hard with a feeling from way, way back. When I was first faced with the difficult pregnancy and when Lucas was first born I wasn't filled with love for him. It came after about a week when we were really together. Then I really fell in love. But tonight, I was just in shock that I could have ever doubted my love for him. I can not imagine him any other way. I can not imagine my life any differently. I love him and accept him fully, just the way that my God made him. He is perfect. He is beautiful. I am so in love with that little man, I can not contain myself. I am so thankful for his sweet nature, peaceful spirit and loving face. The way that he looks at you and lights up. The way he suffers from pain or problems, and after, he loves you like no other. I am so blessed, beyond measure with him. I am so thankful God gave him to us. I am so happy to be his mommy. I love my Lukey.

Four!!

2009-12-03T22:17:00.001-08:00

Well I can't believe it, but my little baby just turned 4! Where did the time go?

Thinking back, Josh and I tried to get pregnant for quite some time. After losing one baby, a deployment to Iraq, Joshua was here. After a great pregnancy, and a lot of cheeseburgers, Joshua arrived. He was 9 days overdue. I was induced and after 5 hours and 19 minutes of labor, and no epidural, Joshua Paul was born. At 2:24am, weighing 8lbs and 7oz. He was such a beautiful baby and even his daddy thought so. (He thinks every baby looks like an alien.) He was a great eater, a great sleeper and a little angel.

Joshua started walking at 10 months, running at 11 months, and he's been unstoppable ever since. He started signing and knew almost 80 signs when he was 18 months old. He can count to 20, knows his ABC's and can still sign most of them. I am so proud.

Joshua brings light to my life everyday. We have our ups and downs, but he is so full of love. I laugh so hard with some of the things he comes up with. I can't wait to see him grow and change. I know that he can accomplish so much with his life. There are so many possibilities. Its amazing to be a mother. Its such an amazing experience that I will treasure my entire life.

Memories Made

2009-11-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to write this down in case I forgot it.

I just sat on my couch with Joshua and Lucas for 15 minutes and just laughed. I think its the funniest few minutes of my life.

I was moving Lucas mouth really fast as he made noise. It was coming out bababababa, babble that we are attempting in speech therapy. But as I moved his mouth, he would start belly laughing. Then mommy would start laughing. Then Joshua. All the while, Lucas still attempting to make the sound. He kept wanting me to do it, so I did.

What a perfect moment in my life.

It makes the hard days disappear, even for a moment.

Sweet.

Pictures Pictures!!

2009-11-09T23:43:00.000-08:00

We are getting our family pictures this weekend and I can't wait. I really love the picture we took last year. Its everywhere. I stare at it up the stairs 15 times a day. I love it. It makes me so happy looking at it. BUT, I can't wait to have a new one. I just can't wait! YAY!!!!

Can you tell that I am bit excited? A whole blog entry. Seriously?

Oh, a couple pounds down from last week. Nothing major, but I'll take it. I finally got off my booty today and worked out too. Sheesh, finally.

New digs

2009-11-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

Lucas started physical therapy last week. So far, its going OK. I'm taking Joshua with me until we can schedule therapy during his preschool. He doesn't understand that he can't go and play. I try to explain to him that the kids there need special care. They need to learn to walk and move right. But he just thinks that he is left out. Poor kid. It just has to be so hard being the brother of a special needs kid.

Talking with the therapist, we discussed bath time. Lucas has a bath seat that works OK, but I worry about his g-tube catching on it. He can't splash and play very well. So they gave me a new seat to try out. Its a free loaner program. Its pretty nice. The only thing I don't like about it right now is that the kids can't bathe together. I loved that time with them both. But, maybe someday.

Check out the new seat.

Skinny boy

Halloween

2009-11-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

Well, we had a pretty good Halloween last weekend. We went to the church that Joshua has preschool. They had a little harvest festival. There were just enough kids there to make it fun, and not too many to make mommy crazy. Here are a few pictures of our night.

I wasn't in the picture taking kind of mood, so this is the best they get.

I can't seem to upload them to my Facebook page, so here they are.

Its Time

2009-11-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

So, its time. I really think its time. The holidays are coming and well, I'm chubby. Too chubby for my pants anymore. With Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner, I really gotta do something, or my pants will never fit again!

I am not sure what I am going to do. I basically have tried everything and the only thing that ever worked was nursing my kid! LOL. Well, since thats out of the question. Weight Watchers worked too. So, since I am a cheap skate, I am thinking of just trying to watch what I eat and exersize. The second part is the hardest. With my hubby working, 2 kids, no gym membership and a busy schedule, when do I find the time? Thats been my excuse so far, and it hasn't done me any good.

So here goes nothing. Monday morning, off my butt. And NO halloween candy!!!

The difference a year makes

2009-10-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

Josh and I bought a new computer a few days ago. It was LONG overdue. It was missing a few keys. Important keys like, enter, the comma, and a shift button. One of the F buttons didn't work. The left hinge that held the screen in place was broken. It was sad sight for sure. So this fancy new things is pretty sweet. I will try my best to keep it away from toddlers this time.

As I added some old pictures and videos from an old memory card I came across this video. It was taken about a year ago. Its amazing to see the difference in my little man. In the video its almost like he doesn't see me at all. Which for the first 3 months, he really didn't.

So we saw the eye doctor yesterday. This is the difference a year makes:

Normal Vision 20/20

Lucas' vision:
November 2008; 20/1300
February 2009; 20/170
April 2009; 20/80
August 2009; 20/64
October 2009; 20/60

And let me just say that 20/60 is NORMAL for his age! Can you believe that? Normal. The kid they told me was blind. Seriously!!!

I am so in love with my little man. He surprises me daily. I couldn't ask for a stronger, sweeter baby.

Creativity Overload

2009-10-26T21:46:00.001-07:00

So my darling husband bought me a sewing machine 2 Christmases ago. I only wanted it to add stitching to scrapbook pages, but he was nice enough to buy me a nice one. Well, it still has yet to be used. Whoops. A few months ago my friend Jenni and I got together to learn how to use our machines. It was more like me watching her use her machine and do a project. I threaded mine. That was it. And since then, I have forgotten how to do so. Whoops.

Well, I have been wanting to start a project for some time and lately its really getting at me. So I went to the store and got some fabric. Very cute for what I want it for. But now, I can't find the time. I really want to sit and do it for a few hours, but when on earth do I have a few hours to do anything? I want my project started so I can at least get to it occasionally.

Well, then I start searching for patterns and ideas. OMG, are there a million creative blogs with the most talented people. I feel unworthy. Uncreative. Completely out of the loop. I just don't know where to start. AACCKKK!!

So I will get to it. Soon. I will get to it. Maybe next week!

Locked up

2009-10-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well, as you can see, it happened. He made it to the top. I've been putting off installing the gate but after searching for Lucas, I found him at the top. Crazy kid! He just sat there staring at the gate for a few minutes trying to figure out what happened. He wasnm't that happy about it.

Pumpkin Patch

2009-10-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

Joshua started school last month and so far we've had 2 field trips. Last week we went to Marris Farms in Buckley and had a great time, despite the rain. It held off most of the time we were there, thankfully.

Seattle Science Center

2009-10-25T20:58:00.001-07:00

My friend AnnMarie and her daughter Abby came to visit Thursday morning. We love it when they come to visit. No matter what we do, we always have fun. This time, we decided to take the kids to the Seattle Science Center in downtown Seattle. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back and spend a bit more time there.

Joshua and Tricerotops

Shooting the cool water gun

Lucas checking himself out!

He's getting so big!

AnnMarie and Abby playing robot checkers
Me and big boy

AnnMarie playing aroundClimbing

So cool!

Trying hard!

Joshua and the space needle
You always know where you are.

therapy, therapy, therapy

2009-10-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, I said therapy 3 times. Its for a reason. We're now going to have 3 therapies a week. Yikes! When all I really want to do it stay home, in my sweat pants and bake and craft, now I have to get up early, clean and go the therapy unit. Lovely.

I know that its not all about me. I've been learning that since I gave birth to Joshua 4 years ago. I am thrilled that Lucas is going to be getting treatment and this will help in so many ways. He is doing great and this will just help him succeed.

We have occupational therapy and vision on Monday mornings at home. Speech therapy will start Tuesday morning at home too. And we'll be scheduling physical therapy soon. I am hoping to get that one scheduled during Joshua's school time so that I don't have to find childcare for him.

Overall, this just keeps us all busy. Which I suppose is a good thing. I guess I can find the time to craft and bake on the other days. Hopefully. I love fall because it just means that I get to bake more and be crafty! Yea!

better

2009-10-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why I have never come across this passage before, but its true. Sad, but true.

I am in a bit of a funk this morning. I'm feeling a bit 'at the end of my rope' and have snapped a little this morning. I was reading a blog and really wanted to dive into a different subject, but this has distracted me. Obviously, in a good way.

The Proverbs 31 Woman :

10 An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.

rare, precious

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.

trustworthy

12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

kind Her Character as a Wife

13 She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.

works joyfully

14 She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.

goes extra mile to get choicest goods

15 She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.

disciplined

16 She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

enterprising, prudent with money

17 She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.

energetic

18 She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.

good steward

19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.

diligent, Her Devotion as a Homemaker

20 She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.

compassionate, generous, Her Generosity
as a Neighbor

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.

provident

22 She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

elegant

23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.

influential

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

industrious, Her Devotion as a Homemaker

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.

poised

26 She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

wise Her Influence as a Teacher

27 She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.

manages her home

28 Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

praiseworthy

29 "Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."

distinguished Her Effectiveness as a Mother

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

God-fearing

31 Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

honored Her Excellence as a Person

~ Proverbs 31:10-31

This sure makes me want to be better and DO better.

Ahhh, New York

2009-10-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've been visiting my parents in NY for the last 2 weeks. Its been a great trip. We've kept really busy with family and friends, but I think that we are all ready to head back to the west coast. I do wish I could stay another week, but my house is calling. I've been really wanting to decorate and get ready for fall. I am also missing my normal stuff. Talking on the phone, visiting my besties. Its time, I think. But we are sure going to miss my fam. My parents have been so great, as usual. They are amazing grandparents. My mom has a bond with Lucas, like no other. Its so sweet. And Joshua just adores my dad. But who doesn't? And let me tell you about my kids uncles. Well, they are spectaular uncles. I wish so badly that they could spend more time together. I think that I will try to start coming back more. I really want them to have a relationship over the next few years when its so important.
I've really enojoyed seeing my friends. Its been shorter than normal, but still the same ole prefectness. I <3 you guys.

I am not really ready to fly back. Flying here was a fiasco and I got stuck in ATL with 2 kids. Not cool. But the way back should be smoother. Hopefully. It'll be a long night. By the time we get to Seattle, it'll be 1130pm PST. So our bodies will think its 230am. That is not going to be a fun evening. But my kids are so resilitant. They'll be great! *wink

OK, I've rambled. Here are some pictures from the trip.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My 100th Blog!

2009-09-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

To commemorate my 100th post, I thought I'd put together a little video of my amazing little boy. This blog was to mostly talk about him and our lives with him. So I thought this was a good way to celebrate.

Thank you for reading and posting comments. This blog has been a great way for me to share my feelings and emotions and its been so therapeutic. Enjoy.

One more thing about this song that I choose. When I was 20 weeks and we heard the news about Lucas, we went to church that Sunday. We laid our hearts out to God and begged and pleaded that He heal our baby. We were told that he wouldn't survive the pregnancy and if he did, he would suffer a terrible life. While at church, sobbing, we were taught this song. If you really listen to the words, its amazing. Every time I hear it I am filled with emotion from that day and that pregnancy. It was the most encouraging song that I've ever heard. God sure knows what He's doing.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

History of the hubbs

2009-09-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

I don't talk much about my husband on blogger much. I'm not sure why. I'm thinking the most I ever say is that we've had a really hard 9 years of marriage. I say that a lot, mostly because its really true. Its been a long, very hard, 9 years.

Josh and I have been through almost everything imaginable. You name it, we've dealt with some aspect if it in our lives together. We started dating the summer I graduated from high school. Neither of us were looking for anything serious. I was having a fun summer before I went off to college and he was a young single soldier just having a good time. But when we met, there was just something different and we never looked back. We got serious fast. I knew that I truly loved him only a few weeks after we started seeing each other. I had never been in a serious relationship before, so I fell hard. He was used to the girlfriend thing, so it wasn't so new. By that next summer, he flew me to WA to meet his family. What a big step. Then that November, he proposed. It was perfect, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

May 13, 2000 we were married and a week later I turned 20 and moved to Hawaii. It happened so fast, and its hard to even remember. Over the span of 3 years living in Hawaii, we grew apart. It was a strange situation living there. He had his own life, and most of the time it felt like I had mine. We tried starting a family, but faced a huge wall of infertility. a whole year was devoted to testing and treatment.

February of 2003 we moved to Texas. We found out that I was pregnant on the way there. Once there, Josh left for training and I stayed back to settle in. While 'settling', I had a miscarriage. Alone. I knew no one and it was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. When Josh came home, he was told he was going to Iraq in a month. It was a really difficult month. I was dealing with emotions of losing a baby, and Josh was dealing with deploying. It was very weird. In May 03, he left. It was a strange goodbye. It wasn't very emotional. I don't think either of us had any clue of what we to expect.

Months and months went by and it was the hardest thing we've ever been through. It was devastating, lonely, sad, OK, every emotion imaginable. Josh came home February of 2004. It was amazing. It was thrilling. It was scary. When Josh got home there wasn't much help for soldiers dealing with issues. So what he did was drink his emotions away. Well, that's never a good decision. He became an alcoholic and a scary one at that. But through it all, we tried to get pregnant again. We were successful, and I became pregnant with Joshua in February of 2005. That summer was the worst summer of all. Josh crashed the car and got in trouble with the Army. It was crazy. Luckily he had one Lieutenant that really cared for him and he tried everything to help. He was able to get Josh out of the Army with an honorable discharge. We got out in November 2005, 2 weeks after Joshua was born.

We were so happy getting out of the Army. We really thought that everything was going to turn around for us. But instead they just got worse. Finally Josh got some help. He went into a couple treatment programs for PTSD and alcohol. He was doing better, but not perfect by any means.

We went on like this for a while. And even started trying to have another baby. I'm not sure why we decide to try and have babies when we are having marriage issues, but hey, that seems to be what we do. LOL.

I finally left Josh in October of 2007. I was to my end and I was done. That fall after I left, Josh finally changed. He turned over his life to God and really wanted a new life. After about 5 weeks, I decided to try one last time. I went back to WA and we started counseling. It was great. And what do you know? I got pregnant. We had never been happier and life was finally starting to go the way we had wanted.

Halfway through our pregnancy, we found out about some issues with Lucas. We never expected anything and we were so devastated. I was a wreck. Josh was unemployed and it was a really hard start to our year. But Josh showed me how he had changed. He was so loving and supportive. It was amazing. I truly fell in love with him again. And when Lucas was born, another side to Josh emerged.

The reason I write this is to explain why I always say we've had a long hard 9 years. Because its true. There are so many reasons for me not to be with my husband. But there are so many more reasons why I should.

Josh is a kind man. He can be gentle and loving. He is strong and brave. Courageous and tough. He is a lover and a fighter. He is forgiving. He is sweet. He loves me. He loves our boys. He is supportive in anything I do. And boy is he is handsome.

Even through all of this, I love Josh. I am happy. I am happier than all 8 years combined. Its amazing what you are rewarded with when you really don't give up. Thank the Lord for healing our marriage and giving us a new start.

Do the Puyallup

2009-09-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

So its now become a yearly tradition to go to 'The Fair'. Years ago when Josh and I were dating, he used to talk about the fair all the time. Back home we only had a small fair that didn't have too much selection. So the first year we ever went to the fair, it was a big deal. We were going as a family, something that we had dreamed of, at one time.

So this year, even with hubby out of work, we went. We had a great time. Its amazing to see hoe much my little man has changed over the years. He's big enough to ride the rides and ride them alone! Its exciting, and a little bit sad too. I was getting little butterflies watching him ride like a big boy.

Lucas just hung out in the stroller watching people. My favorite pastime. He was great. He was able to enjoy a famous scone and crusty pup corn dog. Oh, and a sno cone too. What a cutie!

I think Joshua was feeling a little out of sorts. It was warm and he wasn't the most excited that I've seen him. He just walked slow, dragged a little. After 2 hours, he was completely done and ready to crash.

Inevitable

2009-09-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

Inevitable- incapable of being avoided or evaded.

Well, it happened. It was inevitable.

I got my first gray hair.

I know it sounds trivial, but its quite a big deal. I thought I'd be safe from the gray until I hit 30, seeing as I am 29. But it happened. Sunday.

I guess I've never been one for freaking out because I'm getting older. Its part of life, and its something that I've always accepted. I've got laugh lines and crows feet. They don't bother me. But this one threw me for a loop.

I wonder how long I would have gone without noticing. But thanks to my dear friend, who shall remain nameless, showed me. And laughed, no doubt. I guess she thought it was funny because she's had gray since she was 16. And my dear husband, he laughed too. He's been going gray since right after we got married.

But I guess it was inevitable. 9 years of a hard, lesson learning marriage. A 3 year old who can break the best of them. And a baby who has given us a really hard year and a half. 6 moves in 9 years. I guess it couldn't have been prevented.

So, another milestone for momma. I guess its a week I'll never forget.

Learning baby

2009-09-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

As always, I am amazed. I got to thinking the other day how babies learn new 'tricks'. It comes natural. They just know how to put their weight on their arms. They know how to get up on all fours. They scoot, crawl, all naturally. But there is a difference with Lucas. He has to be taught these things. I'm not sure why. I guess there is a missing link somewhere that he doesn't know how to do those things. But the amazing thing is that, Lucas CAN learn. Once we teach him to do something, and he practices, he gets it.

We've been working on crawling more, and the movements for walking. We teach him these movements on the stairs. Usually he brings his knees up and stays there. We then bring his foot up maunally and then he proceeds to go to his knees again. This past week we've noticed that he almost resists us bringing foot up to stand. But after we bribed him with ice cream, he worked his way up the stairs! It was so great. And equally hilarious!

Here are a few pictures of my beautiful boys. I can't believe how grown up they are becoming. I am shocked daily at the amazing things they can BOTH do.

Surrounded

2009-09-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

I am surrounded.

By amazing things.

People, sights, sounds, smells.

I know we are all surrounded by these things. But there are days where I feel extremely blessed to be where I am in life. (Quite different from my last post)

Following my blog last week, I was encouraged by friends and family. Through that encouragement, I realized how extremely blessed I am. I have such a support system that I know I could not have handled the last year and half without each one of them!

But I am also blesses to live in the Northwest. I know, I know, you've all heard it before. Blah blah blah, Mt Rainier, blah. But its not just that mountain I am in love with. I love gloomy days (in moderation). I love the trees, the green, the sky. Its just so incredible.

Living up here on the plateau (cool, I know) I feel a bit taken out of the hustle of city life. I still live in a city, but its so peaceful and quiet up here. I love hearing nothing. I love hearing the geese honking all night. The gun shots occasionally from the no trespassing people way out back. LOL. I tell ya, I love it.

Smells, well, that one just came out. There isn't a ton of great smells in my house. I am surrounded b y 3 boys daily. So, candle, how I love the smell of good candles. Ha.

I am a blessed woman. I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. They are cool, fun, supportive, and almost everyone of them likes to eat. My kinda girl.

Jealousy

2009-08-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

Is it ok to feel sorry for yourself? For you kids? Well, thats how I am feeling right now. I was on Facebook reading about a couple girls pregnant with their second baby. I got a happy feeling for them, then a sad feeling for me. I remember when I was in their shoes. I was so excited, then not so excited. I just got a feeling of jealousy reading about their babies. Is that ok?

I guess I am just sad that Lucas isn't like the other babies his age. Walking, starting to talk, understanding so many things. Don't get the wrong idea. I love my baby more than life itself. But its still sad to not know what to expect out of life for him. I was talking with a lady at church Sunday about it too. What does the future hold for him? Will he ever date? Have a job? Marry and have kids? Its sad to think that he might not have any of those pleasures in life.

Its weird to talk about this, but in the same sense its great too. Maybe he won't have any problems when he is older. Maybe he will be completely normal for societies standards. And another thing, maybe its all ok. Maybe he won't have to go through so many of the hardships in life. Losing a job, stress, fights.

This is another one of those crazy posts. I just had to get it off my chest. Its hard being Lucas mom, but of so wonderful. Sometimes I just need to get things out. Its sure helps me feel better.

Lay off = Vacation

2009-08-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Multenomah Falls, OR

On the train to the zoo

Hanging at the pool

Federation Forrest, WA

A few weeks ago, Josh came home from work and told me that he had gotten laid off. Super. Didn't we just buy a house? Oh yeah, that's right. But we were smart about things when we bought this house. We knew that we could afford living here if Josh got laid off. He still gets money from disability and that covers most of our living expenses. Its a huge blessing.

Since Josh works construction and works for the union, they don't get vacation days, pay or sick leave. So in the last 2 years we've not really had a family vacation. So we decided to take advantage of the time we had together and have a little getaway. We took off to Portland last weekend and had a blast. We stayed at a really cool hotel. It was a bit too hip for our needs, but it was cool. It was near the airport and train stations, so there was plenty of things to do. We went to the Oregon Zoo on Friday. Hands down, the best zoo I've ever been too. It was great. Tons of animals in a huge place. It had animals from all over, including the Pacific Northwest.

We got to see some of nature, which I love. My husband even sucked it up, and took me the long way home. I wanted to drive the coast and he agreed. After a few hours, I was a bit bummed we went the long way though. It took 3 hours to get to Portland, and 7 to get home!!! It got a bit old. But I was happy that we did it in the long run. The kids were great, except for the bit of puke we had half way through the trip home. Joshua said he didn't feel good, but he was fine. A few hours later he said the same thing, so we pulled over and he puked. He caught us by surprise, that's for sure!

Over all, it was an awesome trip. It was great for our family to get away and have fun together. We are ready for work again, but we are still taking advantage of the time off. We have projects around the house that need to get done, and yesterday we went on a little hiking adventure. We all had fun except for Lucas. He was not a happy baby in the backpack carrier. He wanted out.

Birthday Baby

2009-08-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

So I almost published my latest blog. All about my pregnancy and crazy birth story. All about the issues that I dealt with bringing Lucas into the world. I couldn't finish it and left it for another day. I am so glad that I waited. I sat and went over the blog in my head and realized that the blog wasn't about me. The birthday wasn't about me. It was about my baby. It was all about Lucas.

Here he is, able to breath. His heart is beating. His eyes are seeing. His ears are hearing. His brain is working. All of which we didn't think would happen.

When I was pregnant, one doctor told me that my pregnancy was a 'missed miscarriage'. What is that? This was no missed anything.

One doctor gave us an option of abortion. What is that? There was no way!

One doctor told us Lucas couldn't see or hear. What? I don't think so.

My amazing little baby has proven so many wrong. He had prayer from the start and God came through, as usual! He had a purpose and is fulfilling it every single day.

I am blessed beyond measure with Lucas in my life. He has taught me so many things about love. About myself. About the love I have for my husband. And he helped me have a better relationship with Jesus. There is no way that I could have made it through the last year and a haf without being able to lean on Jesus. To cry out to him in my moments of dispare. In the moments that I was so scared and at the bottom. I owe everything to him. Thank you Jesus for my baby!

My oh my

2009-08-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, 4 days before his birthday look what Lucas can do!!

I don't think anyone thought this was possible. Our goal was to have him sitting independantly by 1. And look how he took it one step further. I could not be more proud! I was crying watching him today! I am so blessed!

At Last

2009-07-31T21:24:00.000-07:00

At last, I'm back to blogger world.
At last, I'm in my OWN home.
At last, I can actually not hear a neighbor. Yet.

We are finally moved in. Well, that's if you call moved in most of your things in the garage. But still, they are on our own property and everything is in our possession. Ours and the bank.

We are so happy. This has been such and exciting, stressful and thrilling experience. After a few hick ups and postponed closing dates, we closed on July 21st. We moved in that weekend and we've been slowly unpacking since. We have a lot of things that we no longer need or want that are being stacked in the humongous garage. Someday we'll get to that. We also been buying a few things for our place. Little things like towel racks and hand towels. But also a new bedroom set. I am so excite to have that because its been 9 years and never a bed of our own. Its always been a frame and a mattress. Boring. But now we'll actually have new furniture in there. Sweet!

The kids are doing good. Joshua had been pushing the envelope on everything for the last few weeks, but I think that is coming to an end now that we are moved in and settling down. Lucas was kind of doing the same. The first 3 days here, he screamed. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was not happy. That stopped, thankfully.

We've had a crazy, and I mean crazy, heat wave. Wednesday my car said 104! What?! I know. Nuts!!! Its finally going back down. High of 90 tomorrow. Even that is high for here. All of the stores have sold out of air conditioners, pools and even fans. We all freak out here in the heat. Wednesday we even went and walked around Petco to stay out of the heat with the dog. LOL.

I'll be uploading pictures soon. Especially of the yard. We have a great sized yard that wasn't level when we moved in. Sunday Josh and his dad and a guy from his work came over and leveled the yard. 7 hours in the heat later, mommas got a level yard! I was so thrilled. We are trying to spread out the top soil that has been put down and then they'll come and hydroseed. I can not wait until it is all done. Green grass, full fencing and my kid outside! Yea!!

Well, I am so thrilled to be back online and reading everyones blog. I've been missing everyone and being nosy! I'll be back, and soon.

come on already

2009-06-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

OK, so if you ask my husband he would say that I was a bit OCD. I'm not. Well, not completely anyway. I like things in they're place and I love organization. I'm not always that way and I'm learning to deal with it as I get older. I am busy all the time and I don't always have time to organize.

But this is getting a bit rediculous. Its Thursday. Saturday hubby should be moving everything left here, out. Sunday I'll be cleangin my patootie off and Monday is for shampooing carpets and such. Tuesday is the last day and the walk thru. Then, freedom. OK, not freedom. But no apartment....ever!!

I'm a bit excited.

I have so many plans. I am picking out themes and colors for my boys rooms. I've always wanted a purple room. I really don't have a space to do that, so I get my laundry room to do what I want with. LOL. Maybe I should put a massage chair in there. Ha ha. Thats actually a good idea! But I'll get to paint it purple and do what I want. Yea!

So life has been hectic over the last few weeks. But I've really enjoyed this time with my husband. We've been together for 11 years now and you'd think we'd know every last thing and have the best relationship. But its taken a lot of years and ton of hard work to finally get along. LOL. Its not that bad. Anyway, for the first time in our marriage I feel like we are finally on the same page. One of us has always been reading ahead, or not following the 'outlilne', and after 9 years of marriage I really feel like this is the right time for us! We are happy, in love and so excited. Its fun to see Josh excited about something. He's not the 'get excited' type, so this is fun for me. He's been working sooo hard too. At work, and around here. I love it!

Here are a few pictures of the kiddos. Lucas is doing great. He's starting to sit up a bit. -If I prop he there- He can stay on his knees for a little while too. He's starting to put his knee up to get there on hus own too. I'm a proud mama. He's getting his 5th tooth in today too. We've noticed the drool the last few days and its just popping through. This time- no side effects! Yea!

Help me up!!

drool baby!

Compromises and Excitement

2009-06-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it. We bought a house. We are soo excited. We've been dreaming of this for years, but we've never been in a place where it could actually happen. We are finally stable enough as people to buy a house! :o)

I didn't think that we were ready to jump to this whole thing this year. But after sitting down with our cousin, the mortgage broker, I realized we could actually do this. So we found the perfect place a week after we were serisous. We made an offer after seeing it the first day and it was on. There was a little bit of a bidding war with another offer and at the end of it, our offers were neck and neck. So the seller talked with a lawyer and they chose the other offer. We were so bummed.

So we started our search again. This time expading our search area beyond where we really really wanted to be. We knew that if we looked a bit further we could get more for our money. So we started looking in Bonney Lake. Its about a 10 minute drive from where we are now. So its relly not that bad. After seeing 3 other houses and really liking them, the last one won. We made an offer that day. Around here you jump fast, or its gone. We learned that on the first house. Well, the offer was accepted with all of our terms. We asked for a lot, but in the end the seller got what they wanted too. Money.

So the compromises are:

We really wanted like an acre of land. Well, thats basically impossible here unless you are serisouly in the country, or get a big time fixer. Neither of which we wanted. That is why the first house was perfect. It wasn't a fixer and it had an amazing yard.

We really, well I really, wanted to live in the valley. Basically where we were living. Close to family and friends. And closer to church. Bonney Lake is not where I wanted to be.

In the end, we got a beautiful house that fits our needs, had a nice yard that will be fenced in, in Bonney Lake.

Bonney Lake has everything you need and more. 3 grocery stores, Lowes, Home Depot, movie theatre, Target, Applebees, 2 Starbucks, tons of fast food and a Walmart. OK, I think I just sold myself again on Bonney Lake. Haha.

The house is also brand new. Its in a development which we never said we'd live in. But its a corner lot with a great yard. Its next to a lake, ok pond, and its out near a small forrest. Its great.

So in 2 weeks (ack!) we'll be moving out of this apartment and into...wait for it..... my inlaws house. LOL. Our closing date isn't until the 15th of July. We're breaking our lease, so we have penalities and such, so we're saving a whole months rent by living with them for 2 weeks. Oh it'll be fun, thats what I keep telling myself and Alice anyway.

So thats it for now. The next time you see pictures of the place will be moving day! Yea!!

The Struggle

2009-06-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

Deep.

I struggle weekly with being a mom.

Growing up all I ever did was play house. I was the mom to all the neighborhood kids. I was mom to the dogs, cats, whomever would play with me. I always dreamed of blissful motherhood. As I grew older and struggled to concieve, I pictured beautiful, talented amazing kids growing older, being popular and becoming doctors.

As the years went on, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby in the world. (Its true) He was so easy, content and healthy. I would get stopped every day and be told how beautiful he was, even by men. Then he grew. He's now 3 1/2. What a crack up. He drives me nuts, he can be such a brat, but he's hilarious and I love him to death. I wouldn't trade him for anything. (Most of the time)

A few more years went by and I gave birth to another child. A sweet baby. But completely different than child #1. He is not healthy, not easy. Of course, I think he's beautiful. But this one has thrown me for a loop. He challenges me daily. But I love him more than anything.

My dreams of motherhood were nothing like I am experiencing. Its a hard reality. I must admit I do not have the kid who throws a tantrum on the floor of the store because he isn't getting a candy bar. He might try, but I would NOT let that happen. I swore I wouldn't and I've stuck to it. But by all means, I don't have the quiet kid who sits and always says please and thank you every single time. There are times I think I might break. There are times I think I seriously might lose my mind. There are times I think I want to quit. This is not easy. Period.

I have a cousin with Down's Syndrome. He was so funny. We would always have such a fun time with him when he came to visit. I recall a conversation about him with my dad when I was probably 14 or so. I remember saying that I don't think I could handle having a kid with Downs. But my dad said enouragingly, 'Of course you could. And you would do so great!'. What? Little does he know...... Just kidding.

Being Lucas mom is hard.

Being Lucas' mom is rewarding.

Being Lucas' mom is a struggle.

Being Lucas' mom is so amazing.

I love it. (Most of the time)

I don't think that I've ever gone through that 'woe is me' bit. Ok, I did. way back in the beginnging when I was pregnant. But not since Lucas was born. I do go through the, 'I don't think I'm cut out for this' bit though.

A few weeks ago when I was with my mom I told her that I didn't understand why God gave me Lucas. I am not patient, or kind hearted. She said to me 'I think I am patient and kind hearted, and I don't think I could go through it either'. Thanks mom. LOL. She saw first hand how hard it can be. I was in NY for 5 days and day 3 he was sick.

That next week as I talked with my friend Jenni, I told her what I said. She told me 'God probably gave you Lucas to make you patient and kind hearted'. Well said Jenni. Well said.

This is just a glimpse inside my head. I go back and forth every single day. I don't understand how I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. And then I am so thankful for that little boy that I forget about the work that comes with him.

This was a crazy post. I understand that. But welcome to my world! ;o)

May Pictures

2009-06-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

Preschool Mother's Tea/Program

Joshua being a 'hero'

Lucas riding a tricycle Totally GQ

At the ocean, being such a boy

Monkey man

Uncle Joel

Packed up and ready to go

ceiling fans are so cool

My friend Katie and I

Lucas hanging with Maddie

Lucas enjoying the finer things in life

Yummy!!

SURPRISE!

2009-05-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Again I post when I'm not really up to. Shame.

So here's my big reveal. My really good friend from back in NY was getting married. Originally my BFF was going to fly with me so I could fly for free, but that wasn't gonna work out. Of course Katie had to get married on Memorial Day weekend. So I faced the fats and gave up on getting back to NY. But how could I miss her wedding? This is the girl who never dated. Was always the 'tom-boy', and whom we never thought would marry. How could I miss this? So I searched for tickets and called my daddy. I suckered him into helping me purchase a ticket and started making plans. I brought the baby with me because I wanted to show him off to my parents. And well, who would take both of my kids on a holiday weekend? ;o)
The big deal of the trip was no one knew I was coming. Just my parents and my brothers. I didn't tell any of my friends because I thought it would be fun to surprise them. In my head I pictures walking in on them while they were getting ready and everyone freaking out and screaming and jumping up and down. As I thought about it I realized that I wasn't that important to anyone and I should get a little more of a reality check. So then I started thinking that it would be more of- 'oh hey, Rachel. Cool. Anyway....'. So as I made the final plans that morning as to what was going to happen, I walked in on them and they were soooo excited! They did their little excited yells and it was a blast. I was so glad that I was able to make it to such a beautiful day.
So if you know me at all, you know that I am a take charge kind of girl. Where ever I am, I always tend to take over things. In a good way. (I hope) So that is what I did. I got involved and took pictures, helped get people here and there. Ran for flowers, Starbucks and wedding things. It was awesome. I was able to spend time with all of my great friends and watch a sweet wedding between 2 awesome people.
I did get to spend some great time with my family too. We hung out and played games and talked. I was thrilled to share my baby with all of the. Who would have thought that big uncle Jesse could love a baby so much! My parents were enamored too. One thing that did suck though, was Monday L got sick. He was an angel for 3 days and wham, coughing wheezing, fussy, tummy pain. Sad to think that I go to the pediatrician in NY more than some that live there. They're going to have a file on us filled! They are great though and I am thankful for their taking me on when I am in town.
We made it home after a LONG day of traveling with a fussy baby and forgetting my cell phone in moms car. I was freaking out, but as today has gone by I am realizing that I can live without my phone. (I took my hubby's, BTW)

Now as for the awesome DR's appt last week....I should have written when it was fresh because my brain doesn't last that long anymore. To say that we blew him mind is pretty on spot. We went and saw the physiotherapist. A baby rehab dr. He had read L's file and thought what he'd be seeing was someone other than my kid. Lucas has grown and developed so much lately that he was pretty surprised. When we talked about my pregnancy his face was pretty shocked. When I told him about his birth, he was pretty shocked. And when I told him that the hearing and vision screenings were almost normal, he was SHOCKED! I loved it. He was a great dr and we'll be seeing him in about 3 months. We'll discuss crawling and stuff and baby gates, etc.

So that is it for now. Again, no pictures. I'm too lazy to get up and find my camera. LOL.

Oh and one more thing, we are officially house hunting!!! We met with an agent today and saw a few places. Its soooo exciting. I can't believe that we might be in our own place soon. Oh and House Hunters actually called me back about my application last week. Wouldn't that be cool? I could be on tv.

Ok, done.

Bad Blogger. Bad!

2009-05-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

So I've been told by a few people to get on it and blog. So here I am . It will be lame, I'll warn you now. I'm not in the mood to sit and look through pictures and write captions. Or upload videos and wait for the thing to finish. So this is what you get.

I have an extremely exciting weekend planned. But its a secret.

I love my friends. I am so very blessed. There was a FB 'fight' over me. Love it!

I googled my hubby's old 'battle buddy' randomly today and got lucky. I am sooo excited to get in touch with him. Out of all of Josh's friends from the Army, he was the only one I ever liked. Maybe even loved. He was so special and weird. :o) He used to just show up whenever and go where ever. What a free spirit. He got out of the Army and never said goodbye. But Josh and I joked that he would just show up one day at our door step. I can't wait to see him again.

Joshua had his last day of preschool Wednesday. I'm sad. It was good for him, and good for mommy. Now what am I gonna do? He he he. -I have video's to upload, but those are the one's that I don't want to wait for.

I am in the process of losing my toe nail. I am so sad. One day I could hardly walk and then all of a sudden it was infected. All because I was exercising with a nail that wasn't short enough. Stupid exercise. I think I learned my lesson on that one. Stop exercising. That one was easy.

Ok, there's my post. I'll have more next week about my awesome weekend plans. And I'll write about the cool doctors appointments we had this week too. I love blowing their minds. It makes me so thankful and super proud.

where you at?

2009-05-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

carrots!
playing in the carrots

bubbles

all alone on the swings

Well, its been a couple of weeks since I last posted. We've been a busy family. From the fair, to the ER to the ocean. Yikes.Yes, I said ER. Last week we went to a little birthday for Joshua's friend Aavin at Chuck E Cheese's. On the way there, we stopped at Walmart to get a gift and Lucas was not having fun in his car seat. He was fussy and coughing and wheezing and burping! Burping! It was the strangest thing. Now that might not sound strange to anyone else, but Lucas can't really burp. He might burp once or twice a week, so for him to burp every time he moved or coughed, it was freaking me out. So once we got to the party, he was just a cranky pants. We made it through and went home. While he slept he was totally fine. But once 7pm rolled around, I couldn't take it. We called the DR and went in. My Dr wasn't there and we saw the other Pedi. She was worried because of his previous obstruction and sent us to the ER. Once there we waited about 20 minutes and made it back. They did a chest xray and a tummy one. There wasn't an obstruction, thankfully and really not excuse for his symptoms. The doc said there was a ton of gas in his intestines, but no way to relieve it. They also had us do a breathing treatment and that worked awesome. He stopped wheezing and started breathing well. So they sent us home with an inhaler and we finally made it home by 1am.

Josh and I had plans to go away for the weekend, the same weekend Lucas decided to get sick. Just like back in January. We had plans and Lucas got sick. Little stinker. But we decided last minute to leave. We would only be an hour away, so if we had to come back we could. We had an awesome weekend. The family has a little place on the water down past Olympia and its sooo quiet and peaceful. I couldn't wait to sit outside and listen to NOTHING!! Well, I guess that never really happened. For some reason, everyone decided to mow their lawns on Sunday. Ugh, how are them. he he. We headed back on Monday and came home to the real world. The kids were great the whole time and I am so thankful for my family. I don't know what I would do without them. I'd probably go crazy! That's for sure.So this week has been a recuperation of our weekend. We've had a pretty good week. We've been busy planning our next weekend away! :o)

My latte, coupons and a view

nap time

a book, a bed and chocolate

fire!

husband

s'mores

Fair Time

2009-04-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

I love living here. There is always something going on, something fun to do. In April every year Puyallup has their spring fair. Its a mini version of their big fair in September. There are games, rides, food and lots of animals. Its always the same stuff, but its always different because my child gets bigger every year. Its such a sweet memory I'll always have. The regular fair is much more sentimental to me, but this will do for now. We got out of the house, thoroughly enjoyed the sun and had a blast. Here are a few pictures of our day.

Joshua drumming away

Gotta love my husbands photography skills. Haha. I said I wanted it of Lucas, but hello! Don't cut off my head! Men, I should have known.

I love this picture. Its perfect for these guys. Daddy showing Joshua how to shoot a gun.

He was tired. But these were some his winnings.

'I want that one daddy!'

Milking Mable

Goat petting

OOHHH and alligator.

Enjoying a famous 'crusty pup'

I passed on the pricey fair food. I had scones instead. Its a tradition!

Lucas and momma

Can you hear me now?

2009-04-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

'Well, yes I can actually!'

So said Lucas last week. (he he) We had Lucas hearing test last Wednesday up at Mary Bridge in Tacoma. When we got there we actually had a nurse that we had before when Lucas had his last surgery. One that I loved, thankfully. I remembered her because she talked too much. (Is there such a thing?) She was great. Anyway, we assumed that finding a vein was going be a difficult process because he has teeny tiny curvy veins. So we hot packed 2 feet and 2 hands in preparations. After answering a ton load of questions, surgery, allergies, blah blah blah. So they took him across the hall and I spoke with the audiologist. The anesthesiologist came in and went over the same questions I had just answered and then they got started. Lucas was sedated, but it was a really light sedation. Nothing major like for surgery or anything. He fell asleep withing 30 seconds. Wouldn't that be nice at the end of a long day? 30 seconds and you're out. Nice.

So after the 40 minute wait, which I LOVED. 40 minutes of quiet for mom? Yes please. I spoke with the audiologist and she gave me pretty good news. His right ear was normal-unlike the last time she told me his right ear was worse. His left ear has a moderate-significant loss, but nothing that we would notice because his right ear makes up for the loss in the left. She wants us to see an ear, nose and throat DR to find out the reason for the loss in case its preventable for the right ear. And she wants to do another test in 6 months to keep track of his progress.

Overall, I was pretty excited. Coming from the last test where she said he had a significant loss in both ears to this was fine with me!! We won't be needing a hearing aid just yet, and that makes me pretty happy too. I knew he could hear, I knew from long ago. And I told her that! So there.

By the way, prayers really works!

Friends

2009-04-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

Easter Babies!

Lucas looking handsome

Gotta love apartment living. Joshua's Easter egg hunt

Well we had miss Abby in town today. She is the daughter of my best friend AnnMarie. They live in CA now, but we still see them pretty regularly. Abby was staying with her grandparents so we went and stole her for the day. We had fun. We had McD's for lunch and then came home for Lucas' therapy. Then off to the mall to play and then ice cream. Wow, I'm nice. :o)

Therapy time

Its fun for all!

Having fun at the mall

Best friends!

Yummy!

Chocolate!

My kid really likes chocolate. He didn't want to miss a drop!

Chocolate faces

Last night was rough over at the Wakefield house. Lucas was pretty fussy after the chiropractor and slept most of the day. But around midnight he would not calm down. Nothing was working. At 3am I vented his g-tube, something I haven't been doing much of lately. Well, out came a bunch of milk. Not that weird usually, but he hadn't eaten since 12. Then after the milk came yellow secreations. Not normal, and quite gross. Remembering back to his bowel obstruction and the discharge that he was having then, I freaked out. I called the oncall surgeon to ask his opinion. He told me to hold off and see what happened in the morning. After an hour or so of venting, he finally fell asleep. That was about 5am. He's been pretty happy all day. A bit shocking for what took place last night. But I am not complaining. He didn't eat again until around 2 and that was only about 2 oz.

Tomorrow we have our hearing test. I know he'll pass this one. This kid hears all the ruckuss in this house, no doubt about it. But I'm asking for prayer anyway!

Need to Bloom

2009-04-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling out of sorts. I've been feeling not myself. Stressed, worried, tired- ok exhausted, scared. Those of which aren't really me. Yes, I stress. Yes I worry. Yes, I'm tired. But lately, its been to the extreme. I think that the last year is finally catching up to me. Life has taken its toll and I'm kinda freaking out. The 'week of tears' kind of put me in a rut and I haven't been able to get out of it. We are in the process of planning a weekend getaway which is well well over due and sooooooooooooo needed. Can you tell I really need a break? :o)

I've been worried about myself, a good sign I guess in the scheme of things. If I didn't care about my well being then you should probably worry. I've been not wanting to be a mom, homemaker (which is legally my job title) and wife. Its all been no fun and I want a change of pace. No fun you ask? Well, let me elaborate. I've been dealing with a 3 year old potty trained, jealous, not getting enough time with mom, high spirited, full of energy, acting out little boy. He does weird, very werd things to get my attention. Like peeing on his toys. Pooping on the floor. Stuff like that. Oh yes, that is the no fun I am talking about. I am hoping that this is a phase or way of getting mom's attention, because if this is the ride called life- I WANT OFF! I love that boys and daily he makes me smile. But lately, oohhhh, I just don't know what to do. And more of the no fun.... a fussy, skinny, not getting enough time with mom, needs a lot of attention, 8 month old baby. Oh its just a joy.

And let me just add a little bit of more 'no fun' stuff. Cleaning, cooking, budgetting, laundering, cleaning up of pee on toys, poop off floors, and baking (ok that one if fun).
I am not complaining. I actually have a point to this WHOLE blog. As it is a way for me to vent to the hundreds of people reading (ok 30, LOL), it is also to share this little tid bit.

As I drove down the highway today in a bit of a funk, I saw something neat on the side of the road. There was a little bunch of flowers blooming. It was surrounded by weeds, trash and other not so great stuff found in ditches. But through all of the junk, the flowers bloomed. As I looked at those flowers (while driving 60mph down the highway) I realized that I needed to be like those flowers. Surrounded by junk, i.e. cleaning-stressing-kids, I needed to bloom and grow. That even in this crazy stressful time in my life, there is more important things to focus on. Growing as a person. As a christian, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I hope that in some part of my life that while I am blooming and growing that I can bring laughter, love and brighten someone's day, just like that flower patch did for me today.

Oh and here are some pictures from todays family day.

Happy Easter!!
When the boys first got together. Joshua and Micah...and Lucas!
My little boy is getting so big!

Cool toys from the grandma's!

Uncle Gabe and Lucas

Hanging with the grandma's. Gma Alice, Micah, Joshua and Gma Robin.

Cousins playing

Trying to find the eggs

Joshua

Reach!!

Yes, its April. Looks like we hid eggs in October!

Auntie Robin and Uncle Tim

These were a big hit!

Lemon Cheesecake

My whoops, what can I make strawberry pie. It turned out pretty good.

My cyster Denelle's baby Mariana. (Cysters is spelled wrong on purpose!)

And me. :o)

Crazy boys

2009-04-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Well, we had our little photo shoot. Let me just say that I don't plan on doing that alone again....ever. OK, thats a little crazy. But it won't be soon. It was rough. Joshua did not want to cooperate. Not that I really should expect that, but I can dream. And mr. Lucas would not turn his head to the right at all! Or up, or open his eyes much. It was NOT easy. But we got a couple pictures out of the 75 or so they took. Poor photographer. Thank God he didnt have another sitting after ours. I made him work for his money that day. LOL. As always, they look great, the few that came out. I love this studio. Its pricey and this will probably be my last year there, but they have given me some amazing shots over the years.

Here are a few of the shots.

Welcome to Holland

2009-04-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

I read this little story on my friends blog. Someone I hope that you will keep in your prayers. She is pregnant with a well anticipated baby girl who has Trisomy 18. A chromosome abnormality that is 'not compatible with life'. We are praying that this baby is a miracle and proves so many wrong. She is due April 20th, and I ask that you please pray with me for this family, baby girl and all of the staff working for her. That they will have some very precious moments, days, and years with that baby. It is all in Gods hands and I hope he blesses them immensely. If you'd like to read more, here blog is here.

Here is the story. It was written by a woman with a child with special needs.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
I am often asked to describe the experience of raisinga child with a disability--to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you are going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip--to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands, the stewardess comes in and says "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy. "

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met. It's just a different place.

It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest for your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

The pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

written by Emily Perl Kingsley

There hasn't been too much going on here in our house. Lucas is getting over whatever it is he's been fighting. His giant tooth is still giant and working its way to the surface. And yes, I'm still freaked that my little baby is going to have a humongous tooth. Oh well. It should be the least of my worries.

We talked with the dietitian and she was a bit concerned about his weight, or lack there of. Skinny little sucker. He's 14lbs 3oz. Not that great. So she sent me some carbohydrate powder to add to his formula. So far, he's tolerating it. Well, I guess. He's not super gassy like he is when I concentrate his formula. But he's having diarreah like no tomorrow. I changed a diaper, he pooped in it. I changed it again, he pooped in it. That went on until 4 diapers later, I said, 'no more. You're sitting in this one'. (OK, so I didn't make him sit in it. But I did say it!) And yes, I even got pooped on tonight. Oh fun. So I'm not sure if this will get better, or he'll lose weight from pooping all day. I guess we'll see.

Tomorrow is Easter pictures. They boys are going to look so handsome. I can't even stand it. Hopefully they cooperate and we can get some good pictures. So I'll be sure post them whenever I receive them.

So that's it for now. I know I have more to say, more to write. But that's the story of my life. In school they teachers used to always say....' good student. Talks too much.' Ahh, great description of me. Maybe that should be on my headstone. Rachel, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, baker, talks too much. Nice.

Thanks for reading.

Beautiful Blue's

2009-04-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

We had our vision appointment today. I was looking forward to this visit because I've made recent discoveries with bubba's eyes and I was interested in learning about it. So what I had found was that Lucas' right pupil was off centered in his eye and starting to turn in towards the center. I had never noticed this before until about 3 weeks ago.

So I got there and started talking about my chromosome findings from last week. He was interested in the paper work and glad that I had been researching. He was aware of some of the things that are symptoms and we moved on. I brought up his pupil issue and he was intrigued. He didn't remember seeing it before and niether had I. He was concerned because he had never heard of a kids pupils moving. It can be off centered from the beginning, but them moving is rare. He takes pictures of Lucas' eyes after every visit, so he said he would look back and see if we just never noticed. He also gave me some exercises to work on to keep his eye from straying. We talked about the what if's too. What if his eye strays all the time? What if it turns in and I can't get it back to the normal spot? Well, no need to worry about that right now. Lets just work on the issue at hand. I asked about patching and that is no longer what they do. If we need to do something, we will put glasses on him that come with a nasal bridge that block one eye from seeing over to the other side. That would make the eye 'work' and stop straying.

Anyway, Lucas' vision has double since our last visit in early February. How great is that? Before it was 21/70 and today is was 20/80. Not totally sure if that is written right. But I asked, and its better. LOL.

I really, really like this doctor. He always uses big words, then shows me what he is talking about. He can do some really weird tricks with his eyes to show what he's talking about. But he also uses examples. Its pretty funny.

Anyway, even though I was a bit worried, the appointment went well. We'll go back in another 2 months and I know that it'll be even better. He's making amazing progress and I am so proud.

In other news, Lucas is sick again. I think that he is teething, again. But its not a normal looking tooth. Its hard to take a picture too. The bottom teeth are in and through and look pretty normal. Size and shape. But on the top it looks like an adult size tooth coming through. But the gum is transparent and it looks like its protruding through the side, not the bottom. Its really hard to describe, but it worries me a bit. When I talked to my mom I had mentioned going to a dentist, but she reminded me that there would be nothing to be done. I guess she's right. What would they do anyway? So he is mister cranky pants. He was up all night and just isn't himself.

P's and Q's

2009-03-30T08:08:00.001-07:00

So as I wrote last week, it was extremely emotional. From all of Lucas' stuff and Joshua being, well, 3. Anyway, all of that emotion is gone, thankfully. But in the midst of it all there is always something good. As I reminisced about last years happenings, I started delving in to the wonderful world of chromosomes. Now I failed high school biology. I hate it. I don't get it. I just don't understand how it all works. I am happy in my ignorance. Until I need to know something, that is. So as I am trying to understand chromosomes, I realize not many people 'get it' either. So here is my quickie Rachel-ized version. As always there must be an understanding that I could be wrong and I am always easy to admit that.

There are 23 chromosomes. 2 of each. Totally 46. There are some long ones and some short ones. Ok, that's all important stuff. Now each chromosome has pieces that are all numbered. I think up to 34. The short ones are numbered to less.

Following so far?

So now, you can have deleted parts of chromosomes, some that are extra, and some that even get twisted into circles. Crazy, I know.

Its totally confusing. I know. I am still confused a bit.

So now let me explain Lucas' chromosomes. He has what is called an unbalanced translocation of 13q and extra material of 20p. Ok so I didn't explain the p's and q's. So each part of the chromosome is split into 2 parts. The top is p and the bottom is q. Not sure why, just go with it.

The unbalanced part is that its not even. So if the missing piece of 13 was swapped out with 20, that would be a balanced translocation. So if Josh or I were carriers, we would have that. There would be nothing wrong because we have all of 'our parts'. We chose not to get tested. We believed that this was a random thing. If Lucas were our first baby and we wanted more, we might chose to get tested. But because we have a healthy 3 year old, we chose not to.

Ok, so there are people out there with deleted 13's and there are people out there with extra 20's. But to put those 2 together there is only one ever known case of that. The more that I get into this 'world', I am realizing that this is such the case with so many kids. Knowing the exact diagnosis doesn't really tell you much sometimes. There are syndromes and others out there, but then there are cases like ours where its almost impossible to know. They have a list of symptoms of certain chromosomes, but you could have 1 or all of them. Its a very big box.

So that's what I've got so far.

In other news I could not be prouder of my Lucas. Seriously. He is making the most amazing progress its just incredible. He started eating solids like a little champ. In these last few weeks he's starting opening his mouth to eat! That may sound like a little tiny thing, but for the baby who had this oral aversion to things, opening his mouth to food is crazy!! He's still not into sweets, but its ok. He'll learn. LOL. So we tried peas Saturday and I think they made him gassy. So we'll skip that next time. His little tummy can't take the extra issues with that. And rice cereal makes him gag. Not sure about that one either.

So that is my bragging moment. I am so thrilled for my baby! We have a vision appointment Wednesday that I am excited about. I am really curious about his right eye. I think that there is something wrong with it, and I am hoping we can get it 'fixed'. I really really like this DR and I know he'll have some advice. We have audiology next week and I am excited to prove them wrong. Is that weird to be excited about that? Either way, I am. Ha. There may be an impairment, but not a significant one that is for sure. This kid wakes up to me making the tiniest noises, in the other room. So I am doubtful they'll me telling me the same news this time around.

Look what I can do!

2009-03-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

Check me out! 14 pounds! Woo-hoo!

I only look chubby.

Hanging with momma!
Lucas is doing so great. We are eating solids daily now. Its so awesome. He's loving sweet potatoes. I made baby food and that is what he loves the most right now. Tomorrow we're trying peas.

Lucas is doing great physically. He can hold himself up on his hands and knees for about 2 minutes. I am soo proud. He can also hold himself up sitting too. He couldn't even attempt this last week. Kim, our OT is going to be gone next week and I cant wait until she comes back to see his progress. I am so excited and so utterly thrilled about my little babys amazing progress. Check out the video. He's so funny.

A week of tears

2009-03-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

So today marks a year. A year we never thought we'd make it through. By far the hardest year ever. A year of sadness and enormous miracles. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd cry so much, love so hard, or be so blessed.
I have had a really hard week. There is a bunch of reasons why. Well, for one, I've been remembering the sorrow I felt a year ago. Thinking about the change my life took that week. I've been really emotional, PMSy, if you will. But I've also had a really hard time with Joshua. He is a spitfire, to say the least. I try my hardest at being a good mom. I don't let him get away with anything, yet he seems to think that he should try every.single.second! It is not funny, so please don't laugh. People use the excuse that he's 3, but they aren't in my shoes. It has been really bad this week.

Anyway, I had a whole blog in my head last night as I cried myself to sleep. I had a great story to tell, witty (I wish) and full of emotion. But as my day has already been bad, this is what I am left with. I cried this morning over Joshua. I cried in the car because I know that I am forgiven everyday by my Lord. I'm crying now because I know I need His grace. And well, now I am just crying. What is wrong with me?!

No I'm not pregnant.

As I end this super exciting blog post, I am reminding you to pray for the family I mentioned in my previous blog. I am not sure why I feel so emotional over this family that I do not know, but for some reason, it is on my heart. They need comfort, hope and peace. That is what I prayed over and over for last night. So please pray with me for those things. Thank you.

And thank you for all of the prayers that helped me through this last year, and that get me through each day! I would have never made it, that is for certain.

a new blog

2009-03-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

So I have been trying to figure out how to search for blogs. I finally found a way. As I sat here tonight trying to find moms to connect to, I came across a blog that I wanted to share. Sadly, my computer won't allow me to open it and I can only view it through google, where I do not know how to comment. I felt the need to comment because I was so touched. I sat here sobbing my eyes out for this woman. She has 4 boys and was pregnant with a baby girl. At their 20 week ultrasound, they were told devastating news. Their baby has Trisomy 18. Basically, there aren't many surviving babies born with it, and they do not live. I wish so badly to hug this woman. To tell her how brave she is. To tell her that the doctors DO NOT always know what will happen. That each day they are blessed with that baby are the most precious moments.

Can you imagine? Can you even think? What if you were told that? What if it were true? I have been in those shoes, thankfully briefly. I knew that I would see my baby and hold him. It was the will of God and I believed. But what if your baby was taken away? How on earth would you deal?

I am praying tonight for that family. I am praying that this baby is a miracle. That she will be born, ALIVE!! I am praying that she will not only beat the odds, but BE the odds. That she will be Gods miracle, to tell everyone that God can do anything.

www.buddzoo.blogspot.com

One Year Ago

2009-03-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

This week marks a year since our 20 week ultrasound with Lucas. I am remembering it like it was only yesterday.

As we planned on our 20 week gender scan, I couldn't wait. I was so anxious to find out that I was having a little girl. I could hardly keep it together. My mother-in-law Alice tagged along with my hubby and I that day. My family is back in NY, so they were waiting impatiently for a phone call. We arrived so giddy at our doctors office. We were taken back and I hopped up onto the bed and exposed my belly. As Alice and I joked and and giggled, we noticed that the tech was not being very friendly. I remember being a little annoyed with her, but shrugging it off and going back to laughing. She asked if we wanted to know the gender and we said YES! She said in a dull voice, 'its a boy'. We let out a little sigh of disappointment and then went straight to saying, oh well, yea! Lucas!!

She then said, I am finding a few issues. As she described what she saw and what it meant, tears filled my eyes. There was a huge amount of fluid in his chest cavity making his lungs almost unable to be seen. His cerebellum was extremely underdeveloped, he was under sized. All things that could possible stop the life of the baby. As I sat there crying, Alice crying and Josh speechless, nothing could be said. She gave us a few pictures and we went to the doctors room. When the midwife came in, she too didn't know what to say. There were no words. We were set up with an appointment the next day with a local perinatologist.

*The black that you see is the fluid around the lungs. The entire cavity should be lung tissue.*

The next day we were more hopeful. After a day and night of sobbing hysterically, I had woken up a bit more lighthearted. I'm not sure why. We went in and got a mini biology lesson with the Dr before he started the u/s. He basically gave us the statistics of age-genetic problems, stats of live births, ect. To sum it up, he said that that baby will probably not survive. If he did he would not live long at all. But after he started the u/s, marker after marker for certain syndromes were negative. One after another. As each went by, we smiled more and more. He was still not hopeful, but we had faith...building. He performed an amnio that day too. Talk about unprepared.

*The after shot. Only a tiny amount of fluid was left after the lungs grew perfectly. Lungs still have never caused Lucas any problems!*

Not to go through the entire pregnancy, we have a healthy baby boy. He was born with a chromosome abnormality. He has a deleted 13 chromosome and an extra 20. There is only one other case ever recorded of the exact numbers. We are already so far from that case history. Something that I wish I had never been told about. We are now writing the history of this and we are going to be a light instead of a dark story.

Thanks for reading about my miracle boy.

*My miracle baby. 12 weeks.*

Seattle Moms Deal Finder

2009-03-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

Here is a new website I found through antoher blog. They are giving away a free Entertainment book. Check it out.
Seattle Mom Deal Finder Blog

My boys

2009-03-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

My little lucky charm!

I have teeth!

My sweet kiddos.

Swinging for the first time.

One big, one little.

Not much happening these days. I am keeping busy with budgetting and baking up a storm. Ckeck out my other blog to see some of the goodies. Lucas is developing so great. It seems like he just grows leaps and bounds. Its incredible. He also got 2 teeth. I just thought that would teeth would be something that would come later for him, but what do I know? He got 2 bottom at the beginning of this week. They were all the way through. He is starting to put things in his mouth and we are still attempting food. Today we tried sweet potatoes and he did great. I'll keep posting as things progress. We are just keeping busy and trying to not get sick! :o)

Lucas Henry

2009-03-07T16:09:00.000-08:00

We had Lucas' 6 month pictures done yesterday. I was so excited to find a pair of skinny jeans for my skinny boy. Talk about stylin'. He was wearing Burberry jeans. Yes, its true. Retail $110! Yikes. They are a bit long, but they fit in the waist which is pretty rare. So he'll be looking pretty good for a few months at least. Check out these oh so funny pictures of my little man!

hilarious

2009-03-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

So last night I got together with the women in the family. My mother in law, aunt in law, other aunt-ish, and cousin. My sis in law was out of town. Boo Maggie. Anyway, we had fondue and girl time. What could be better? Well how about the addition of a sweet wonderful baby, laughing histerically! We were sitting enjoying our chocolate fondue and talking when I thought I should entertain my kiddo for a few minutes. He had been sitting peacefully for about 45 minutes and I grabbed him and started being silly. When all of a sudden, he started belly laughing. Usually his laugh is short and sweet. But last night I was dying. Tears steaming down my face laughing. It was so cute. We caught the tail end of it on video.
I'll be posting last nights food pictres on my other blog Kitchen Central

We had a blast and we're definitly looking forward to haveing another girls night.
Georgette, Robin, Joshy, me and Alice

Alice looking cute!

Me being a dork making my kiddo laugh!

Wiffle Ball

2009-03-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

Who would have thought that my little old man baby would be into balls? Well, not me. Kim and Kama (our therapists) came over Tuesday to work with Lucas. He was doing well and then Kama pulled out a wiffle ball. He was mesmerized. Well, so was Joshua. It was a struggle to keep Joshua away while we were working with Lucas, but eventually we distracted him. :o) They left the ball with us and he has been glued since. Its just funny. I guess he likes it because of the depth, shadows and maybe because he can put his fingers in the holes. Whatever it is, its a cheap baby toy!

I will say that Lucas is doing good with his hands. He is reaching for things as soon as he sees it in front of him. I am so proud. You forget what babies are 'supposed' to do, and just get excited about all of the little things that he accomplishes. The therapist remarked to me that, he's doing it. Look at how far he has come! I am not saddened that he isn't 'up to par', its just weird to see little babies doing things he hasn't done yet. But in no way do I envy that. I am blessed with a happy little boy, a love of my life, that teaches me something new each day.

Here are a few pictures of Lucas and his new toy.

He's starting to put things in his mouth. Well, OK, near his mouth.

Using his feet to help it up near his mouth.

March for Babies

2009-03-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

I posted a link to my friends blog last night and actually decided to join her and her family in the March for Babies. Its not just for preemies, but for NICU babies too. I am excited to participate for us, and for Heather. She has been a huge support for me, even though we've never really met. :o)

If you'd like to donate, please do. You can donate on my page here

Thanks!

Sharing

2009-03-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

I am blog obsessed lately. (Like I have the time to sit around and read.) But I thought that I would share. Who couldn't use extra money from saving? Hmm, maybe some. But no one that I know. :o) So please check out a few of the blogs that I am reading.

One other one that just brought me to tears today is my friend Heathers blog. She has miracle babies, 3 of them. Their birthdays are coming up and she made a video montage that I think everyone should see. If you have a few minutes check it out.

Mccann Happenings

I'll be back!!!

Prayer

2009-03-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

So I thought I would write blog about praying. I had mentioned before about how I am trying to better about praying. Not just when I am in need, but everyday and for others. We started praying with Joshua every night and I have noticed a huge change in him lately. I'm praying for all of my friends, something that I never really did unless I knew something major was wrong. I totally believe in prayer. If I didn't I couldn't even explain to you how different my life would be. I know that I wouldn't be married still, I probably wouldn't have Joshua and I know that Lucas would never have made it to us!! He is my miracle baby no doubt about that one. But something happened that I am taking in faith this past weekend. As I went to bed Friday night I prayed for my friends and family and for my husband. That he would be able to find a new job. Something that made him happy, successful, productive and a good provider. That a new job would come to him without searching or working really hard to find. So Saturday afternoon we got a call from Josh's dad giving Josh a phone number of a guy who knew of some jobs. I know that it doesn't sound promising, but that is what I am taking in faith. For Josh to be happy, he would be doing something affiliated with the Army. If you know Josh, you know that's what he loves. Well, this guy was a retired something or other who worked on post as a head of something. (LOL) He was working out at the gym where my father in law works out and if you know Bill, he eaves drops and talks to everyone! So this guy was talking about how they had job openings and that Josh should call him. Anyway, I am praying that this is exactly what I was praying for. A job on post, near home, working with the Army. Ahh, that just sounds perfect. He already has 8 years toward retirement with the government too, so it would just add to it. I don't want to start getting excited, but the timing is perfect.

So that's my post. I have new posts on my other blog too www.doubledoubleu.blogspot.com

I'll also add a few pictures, as always.

I made Josh take a picture of me. I'm not a fan of full body shots, but I figured i should take one. I'm still only down around 25 pounds, but hey, its better than being up 25!

2009-02-25T19:41:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to post a couple vidoes. Joshua is becoming such a ham in front of the camera. Its so funny. I got him singing a song, saying his prayer and making his brother laugh. We had such a great day today. It was just fun being together and we actually were home all day. Go figure. It was a day where I can say that I love staying at home with my boys, thankful that I am able to do it. And so glad that I don't have to work. There are many days where I long for a job. Adult contact, something productive to do. But I know that this is my job and I am happy for it. I did want to say that Lucas took a bottle today. He's refused anything oral since saturday morning. I've been worrying that he wouldn't want anything again. But today after some nudging, he took it and drank almost the whole thing. What a good boy. He is still wheezing pretty bad, but he is feeling so much better. Happy and comfortable. Yea!

I've been praying a lot more these days. I tend to only do it when I need something. But I have so many friends in need of prayer right now that I've been busy today praying for them. I have a friend who just had a D&C yesterday, one who is having her ovary taken out Friday and she's only in her early 20's. Another who is working so hard, depressed and can't seem to find much time for her family that she longs for. Friends that are starting new jobs, trying to lose weight, dealing with relationship issues, the list goes on. And I really, really want a new job for my husband. One where he will be happy, busy and stable. There seems to be a lot of things to pray for. So if you are a pray-er, I'd love the help with my list. I've just had these peoeple on my heart this week!

Kitchen Central

2009-02-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to post a link to my new blog, Kitchen central. I felt weird posting about budgeting and recipes here when this is mostly about my kiddos. So I decided to make one dedicated to just that. So here it is. www.doubldoubleu.blogspot.com

A Collection

2009-02-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

A normal feeding, through the g-tube. Here are the supplies:

Hook it up.

Fill with formula.

Flush.

Its pretty easy in all reality. Especially when he's been sick.

Ok, how could this not make you smile?

My shopping for this weeks meals. $26.00 Not too bad, right? (Humor me would ya?)
2 gallons of milk($1.99 for 2), 4.5lbs of hamburger ($1.49lb), 7 cans of beans ($1/can), sour cream(2/$5), cumin($3.69), skittles for Joshua.

My new cookbooks!

My first menu plan

2009-02-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

I know that I already posted today, but deal with it. :o)

I made a meal plan for the week, so here goes. This is my attempt to be smart and feed my family. Maybe a little budget wise too.

Meals for the week

Tuesday-
Chicken tortilla soup-here

Wednesday-
Baked soft pretzels- here
Homemade taco seasoning
Black bean veggie patties- here
Baked French fries- here
Rice pudding

Thursday-
Left over soup
Polenta- I've never had this, so we'll see how it is.
Homemade caramel corn- soo good!- here

Friday-
Microwavable meals/leftovers